k to the iz eight (kateisgreat) wrote, @ 2003-09-30 01:33:00

"what do you do when your whole foundation falls apart? I dunno.. they don't teach you that in school"

I'm sick. I'm mentally deranged. I think the stupidest things, and I just don't tell anyone. I love myself inside my head, and I'm really glad that you can't see what's inside here, because I wouldn't have friends. You'd all lock yourself away from me, and I would be sitting home alone every night. Just take my word on it.

I just need to walk. Walk for hours. Its too cold and my ankle hurts. I need to do so much I think. I need to stop thinking so much. Everything is falling apart. I don't know why. What is the point of all this shit? Kevin is being charged with Manslaughter. Mans laughter. HAH. What the hell. Steve left. Poof! just like that.

I failed my Chemistry test. Whatever. I can't live when it's not warm. I'm a summer girl. I need the sun. Maybe this is all due to an Iron difficiency? Maybe I'll end up standing on the street corner, with a sign around my neck that says something about deep that no one else would understand. I think,... the word would be MANSLAUGHTER. It's not deep, but it's fucking me up nicely. Yes, Manslaughter I think it will be. I don't know if I'm actually going to save this, I don't want you to think I'm weird. Then again, who the fuck are you and why should I care?

"She wasnt held enough as a child"
"Her parents divorced at an early age"
"He father was an alcholic"
"The kind of family that keeps Xmas lights up all year"
"Sexual Abuse"
"She listens to emo"
"Is she breaking down?"
"Maybe she drinks bleach"

I'm so lost today, nothing makes sense. I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have to do shit. shit. shit. Everyday is the same shit. It all ammounts to nothing, then you die. You die, and you stop living. Everything you ever loved is gone, and you are stuck alone in a box in the ground. Everything you owned will eventually end up in the trash, as the people that you gave it to die off too. Nothing you do in life really matters.
Nothing. nothing. nothing.
Love isnt anything either, you could love someone so much, but two years after you both die, no one will ever know. Ever. ever. ever. I guess it doesnt really make a difference though, If you love or if you end up locked away somewhere, right? Because you die. and you die alone. No matter how many people you take with you. Everything on this earth dies alone. Everyone has to figure this out eventually. Everyone does.

I dont just think in here, I act. It doensn't bother me that you can't see it. It's comforting. I can do anything in my mind, and you have no clue what I'm doing to you. I'm not crazy though, unless I act on it in real life, right? Or unless I talk about it. I never said they were dangerous things, more like silly things. I'm not going to try to explain because you wont understand and I don't really care if you do understand.

I have this friend. We're going far away to chase the sun. No one can find us. It will be summer in the winter and we will be there together. We will laugh and cry and yell and run and everything is going to be alright for the whole time we are gone. I'm scared though, and I know she's scared. And I've been told I'm just running away from my problems, and I don't think that is your buisness. We will be the same person some nights when we stare at the sky and i tell her all the stupid things i think and hope for her to tell me that im not crazy and then her tell me the things she thinks and we will be alright.

I need summer.
I need warmth.

I'm afraid no one is going to say "don't go"
I'm afraid no one will notice that i'm gone.
I'm so afraid.

spankme 2003-09-30 21:31 (link)

i will notice when your gone.. ill miss you alot. i already do miss you , i havent seen you in so long. i wanna hug you. and touch your beautiful face and keen hair. i want you to feel wanted and loved, cuz you are. Your not crazy, your just smart, and being smart makes you think and thinking way to much makes you go crazy. So relax, and dont think. Think about the good things that are coming, Like the sunshine and warmth, and your melanoma that you will get from being in the sun so much. I envy your decision to leave. By me telling you Not to leave, does nothing, tho it may make you feel better cuz you know i care and deep down you say " man, she doesnt want me to leave, she must care, shit that feels good, HA im still leaving tho" (Reply to this) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2003-10-01 03:13 (link)
	thank you for not thinking im loopy <3 kate (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: spankme 2003-10-01 07:51 (link)
	your not loopy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2003-10-27 08:23 (link)
	DONT LEAVE KATE!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but if you do i will still miss you lots ***TOM (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)