| Current mood: |  okay |
A New Day
As I stare at the blinking curser in this white box, I try desperately to find a way to establish some sort of closure to whatever I had going with Ashley. But then I realize that formal closure is impossible, after all, I myself never got any closure. I'm a strong woman, I can handle the truth, and I resent the fact that he was either too cowardly or too immature to give me the truth. I'm tired of sleepless nights spent wondering what I did wrong. It's so hard to convince myself that it's not my fault -- especially when it's happened so many times. Nick cheated only to realize he was in love with the person he was cheating with, Paul told me what we had going was different than anything else he had felt only to realize he too was in love with someone else, and Ashley and I spent an amazing week together only to have him leave without word and/or contact since. I feel like my sole purpose romantically has been to act as the one to show men who they really love, a sort of stepping stone to others' happiness. Is it so bad to want to be the girl who gets the guy for once? I'm tired of hearing that there's nothing wrong with me, but that I'm just not right for them. I'm tired of hearing that it'll happen eventually. I'm tired of telling myself that "This time around things will work out." How am I supposed to put my heart on the line time and time again when it keeps getting broken? What is so horribly wrong with me?
Brittany has provided an incredible amount of support these past few days and I owe her so much. Against my original wishes, she's trying to set me up. I was iextremely hesitant at first, and I think I have good reason to be, but after much begging and pleading, she convinced me to talk to him. Like she said, it's just talking, how bad can it be? And besides, I trust her judgement and I know the guy would have to be pretty damn good for HER to set anyone up, especially me. She knows what I've been through.
We seemed to hit it off well, this guy and I. We learned that we have some things in common and he invited me out for a visit which I accepted. It'll do me some good to get away for a while, and at the very least I will return with a few new friends.
I arrive in a few hours (I'm on the plane right now), and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Brittany and Eric were supposed to fly out with me, but I couldn't get a hold of them in time to tell them that I was leaving sooner than planned. No, I'm not rushing to be alone with him, I'm rushing because filming starts the 22nd and I want to be able to spend some time with him before things get really crazy. Brit, if you read this, I'll give you a call when I get in.
"The past is history. The future is a mystery. This moment is a gift, that's why we call it the present."
I need to stop living in the past. I need to learn to let go of my grudges and my pain and allow new people and new experiences into my life. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I can't imagine it can be any worse than the past has been. All I have is today, and I'm going to make the most of it.
~Jo
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