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Jon G (jonakadad) wrote,
@ 2005-02-09 16:35:00
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    Let's start from the middle and thoughts on mortality
    Well, I suppose it's better to start from the middle than never at all. I've been wanting to start some sort of journal or diary of some sort for quite some time now, but I've never been much of a self motivator. I frequently remember things from my past, whether it was last year, something from high-school/college or my childhood, and think it would be interresting to write it down somewhere so it won't be forgotten forever. Having a journal should help me to remember events and such as life slips quietly by.

    I'm turning 37 in 3 days and although I don't think I'm going through a "mid-life crisis" yet, the reality of my mortality is becoming ever more clear to me. To some degree I fear what will hapen when I die, but mostly I want to live long enough for my two children to grow into adulthood. It's not like I'm suffering from cancer or some other life threatening disease. In fact, I'm in reasonably good health. It's just that I hear stories all the time about people who die young for some reason or another and it just makes me stop and think about things. I just know that it would be very hard on my children if I were to die while they are still young and dependant on me as their father.

    Both of my parents and both of my wife's parents are still alive and in reasonably good health and the four of them are in their 60's to 70's. They will certainly die some day, and we will be very sad then and we will miss them. But their deaths will not be as traumatic as if we depended on them as children. To some extent, since it is expected for them to die at some point, the harshness of their deaths should be softened.

    But then maybe I am naieve. I've been very lucky in my life in that I have never lost anyone close to me to death. All of my immediate family members, friends and close relatives are still alive. I've lost grandparents to death, but they lived what would be considered a "full life", and quite honestly I was never very close to them. I admit that I'm speaking here from inexperience. If anyone close to me should die, I don't know how I would handle it.

    I hope my children don't have to learn how to deal with the loss of someone close to them while they are still children. I hope they can grow to full adulthood before they have to deal with the painfull and complex emotions of loss.

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