Rocket Girl (jmrocketeer) wrote, @ 2003-11-12 22:10:00

Current mood:	groggy
Current music:	Let You Down -- Three Days Grace

i'd rather cry to death
Fuck you all.

goddamnit. i hate my mother.

i hate this shit.

alright, so here's what happened.

she came into my room bitching about my schoolwork (and she didn't even see my report card yet!!!!)

I tried to get her out of my room. the stupid bitch stayed. so, when i got up to get out of the room, she grabbed me and threw me down into the chair. i got up again and she threw me down once more.

i went and i locked myself in the bathroom. somehow, she got in while i was trying to open the window. she started bitching to me again. i ran to my room. more wrestling for the door. i grabbed my sandals. i ran out of my room and out the back door.

i went into my backyard and i sat in my swing and i tried so hard to cry. but i couldnt. fucking antidepressants have clogged up the drain.

i got to hang out with my only true friend, the only living creature who truly loves me, my dog, Spot. I need to hang out with him more often.

anyways, so then no matter which way i tried to go, she was there. stupid bitch.

i layed down on the driveway to look at the stars. too bad you can't see shit through the goddamn fog. my mom walked over and threatened to call a doctor, then i told her that i dont need a fucking doctor. then she threatened to call a hospital, and i told her that the goddamn hospital fucked up my arm. i dont trust those people. then she threatened to call my father. i said -oh, by all means, please, do so! and have fun!- She didn't call. Then i tried to cross the street. she threatened to call the cops. then i told her how little logic a decision like that has.

so i crossed, and she followed me. i walked to the dead end, and turned around. then a dog started following me. fucking dog.

then i decided, i'm going to shawn's house. so i walked all the way to the corner of his street, then i remembered. shawn doesn't like me. so i turned around and walked home.

stupid mother cried the whole time. i told her to shut up. she cried harder.

so now i'm home. i'm not talking to her.

the good thing of this evening: i have her wrapped around my little finger. i told her that i wasn't going to school tomorrow. then i remembered that they're showing dead poets society, and i really like that movie, and i wanted to see it. so i'm going.

unless i kill myself.

when i was in my backyard, i got a pretty good estimate of how high the window os to the ground. higher than that goddamn rock. good. maybe i'll die this time.

fuck you all.

none of you care.

none of you understand.

none of you care to understand.

fuck you.

fuck you all, goddamnit.

assholes, all of you.

you don't care, and you know it.

my head feels so heavy, and its really hot in this room. i can barely concentrate, and all of it hurts. i feel like there's something sensitive and heavy in my chest and something big and strong and stubborn is guarding it and refuses to move, for the dagger to take its plunge.

i'd rather be plunged, thank you very much.

i'd rather cry to death

sorry that you fucked up my life

jessica

	monksturnmeon 2003-11-15 19:44 (link)
	I'm really worried about you Jessica and I don't know what to do to help you, so just know that I do care about you and love you. I'll always be here for you, even if you don't want me to be. Love, Amy (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: jmrocketeer 2003-11-16 09:30 (link)
	amy, i love you so much! why are you worried about me? i'm not doing anything -abnormal-....you don't have to worry about me.....i'm so happy that you're my best friend! i don't know what i'd do without you! and of course i want you to be here! i love you so much! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

theukrainianone 2003-11-15 22:08 (link)

Sex kitten! hey! sorry i havn't called in a while...my birthday is the 28th of november and you are so coming whether you like it or not. I know how you feel...i really and truly do....no matter how alone you feel you have to know that worse things could happen. I thought that being me was terrible. I know how the whole foreign parents can be insane with disipline and cursing and hitting and degrading. MY mom made me want to push pills more times than i could remember. The whole thing that happened with you and your mom reminds me of my mom...exactly...with the threatening and the trying to kill myself...she tried to hit me a few times but i pushed her away....my brother beats the shit out of me like....weekly so my family life isn't exactly brady bunch since my dad left. I felt sorry for myself until i talked to jonathan and chad these guys and they told me about their lives...how they got kicked out of their homes and did drugs at 8 years old and are now homeless hanging around peoples homes constanting working to ease their addiction. One word of advice....don't dwell....NEVER dwell....jonathan told me that....dwelling can kill you...forget things just forget everything...you aren't your family...when you get older you'll leave and be better and rub their faces in it. Never DWELL i love you with all of my soul and more. call me anytime. bye...p.s. stop writing shit in your blurty...call someone and then forget about what happened....blurties are like bad memories that are hard to erase...never write your greivaces in them , only write your joys...sorry for being a hypocrite..lol... (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: jmrocketeer 2003-11-16 09:38 (link)

i can't wait until you're birthday! i know it'll be fun! i know i'm not alone, because my friends keep telling me to shut up cuz i'm not the only one who's depressed. great thing to say to someone somewhat suicidal. i have a big problem with dwelling, but i can't stop! same with blurties. i'd rather write it in my blurty, and see who really cares. i love you so much liz! i'm so glad we're friends! i will try and write more of my joys in there, though. love always, jessica (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)