| Current mood: |  exanimate |
| Current music: | scared and lonely -- 3dg |
blah. its so unfair. life sucks.
i'm at the public library now, cuz my computer is still broken. its just not fair. i cant talk to any of my friends on the computer, and i'm not allowed to check my email at school, and this computer wont let me check my email, so its all shit.
ok, so lately, life's been a biznatch.
i dont really remember thursday at all. you know, its one of those things where you try to remember, but you seem to have a mental block or something, and like, besides, theres too much on your mind anyways to even bother to try to remember pointless forgotten things like that...........*sigh*
i remember friday though.
i came to school. i died. then i sat in a corner. then i talked to carrie and yari. then i went to biology and died again. we finished watching lorenzo's oil, but it was a disappointment for me. i wanted the kid to die. just cuz i felt like someone needed to die that day, and since it wasnt going to be me, it might as well be that stupid kid in the movie. then, at the end of class, andrew almost asked me out on a date. unfortunately he had to make it sexually related and then add "just kidding" at the end. i mean, hell, i'll go out with TIM to get my mind off of that asshole who shall not be called by anything but "asshole".
asshole.
then i went to my locker. yes, MY locker, and not yari's.
anyways. yeah, i went to my locker, and brandon told me (through an unpleasant interrogation) that mr asshole had been spreading rumors about me cutting my wrists.
i was infuriated.
i went to second period and asked travis if he would please tell that asshole to stop spreading rumors about me. he said he would. liar. but i'm not to that part yet....
ok, so i died again in lit.
then i went to lunch. or, as i like to call it, sitting alone in a corner while eating a candy bar that will eventually make me fat and then bang my head repeatedly against the coke machine and wish that i would die.
then cheryl came to tlak to me, but i really did not feel like speaking to her at the moment, but of course i didnt tell her that so i just nodded and smiled throughout the whole conversation.
heh. before cheryl came, i heard them talking about me. they didnt talk much about me, but i knew that they were. it hurts, you know.
shit. my session on the compie here will end in less than ten minutes. damnit.
ok, anyways, then i sobbed profusely in band, all because of a special little note that i got from my best friend whom i resent for it, but i am not mad. i cant be mad at her. i mean, if something that i do is not right with her, then it absolutely has to be wrong because shes perfect right?
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, RIGHT?!!?!?
i'm not mad at her. i do not hate her. i hate the words that she wrote down on the paper. of course, i could never say it to her face that she made me cry, harder than i had cried in so long.
but now.....who do i trust?
i feel as if i can no longer go to her with my problems. just when i was about to be completely open with her, too.
now, who do i tell my innermost feelings to?
a notebook who cant reply?
a voice of a distant best friend on the phone?
i need someone here.
someone now.
i need someone who can understand me completely.
it would be nice to be able to relate to someone.
and there has to be someone too, because EVERYONE in depression go through the same thing, right?
RIGHT?!
anyways. yeah.
i was genuinly surprised to find that both taylor and eric were worried about me. scared the hell outta me.
i died in spanish. came way back into life in anthropology but stupid mrs carley had to ruin it for me. i hope she dies.
ack, gtg, more later, times up!
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 |  So that's why.
 bloody_tempest
2003-12-13 00:15
(link) |
That's why you won't tell me about your problems anymore. Maybe that's why you wanted your space in Band today. Maybe I should have told you before, but you got me really, really frustrated when you wrote that part in the five page note from before, about how you hated it when I compared your depression to my brother's. I did say this before, but I've been trying really hard to try and provide you with consolation and as much help as I could muster, but you would still write in here that no one cared or even bothered to comfort you. That's not true at all...
I'm sorry I made you cry, but since you told me the truth about something that you felt about me, I thought I'd be able to tell you something, too.
Resent me for it... You know that resent means to be angry at and a synonym is to dislike? I'm not trying to contradict you; it was just the impact of the word that I received.
You don't want to tell me your feelings and you don't trust me anymore...because of my opinion on the process of depression? You said that you didn't get upset with people because of their opinions.
The way you wrote some parts, basically when you said that you don't trust me ("now.....who do i trust?") and that you can't come to me with your problems made it seem like we aren't even friends anymore. I hope that we still are friends. Best friends, even.
On a last note, please don't lie to me or evade the truth. It's harder to find it out without you telling me. It made me sad to look at your blurty and see all of this, thinking that it wouldn't happen before because you told me that you weren't upset, although you were.
I'll leave it at that. I'll probably comment on other things, too.
~Bianka
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