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jayguy (jayguy41) wrote,
@ 2004-03-03 06:32:00
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    Current mood:contemplative
    Current music:Van Morrison

    Here I am again....Not much to say...sometimes I do wonder what it's all about, why I do all that I do...what am I getting out of life? I have accomplished a great deal, yet sometimes I feel empty. But I guess we all feel this way sometimes. I have done stupid things searching for companionship. Nothing desperate, but certainly, things that aren't me. It sounds weird, but a female friend would be nice, someone to also make out with on occasion...I can get physical intimacy, but really want a spiritual connection, if only a small one. You know, some sparks when we kiss or hold hands, the heart beating a little faster when she is near. I used to have that for my wife (I am separated), and still do, sometimes. But she asked me to leave over a year ago, and still wants to be friends, and that's cool. I am having trouble adjusting to having someone you love just be your friend. But I am not sitting around crying, wanting her back, either. I need to move on.
    Most women won't date me because of my situation, they are afraid of getting too close. Falling in love is not my intention. How can we intend something like that? Sometimes it just happens. I am not looking for it. But a small connection wouldn't be bad.
    I like younger women, women in their 20's, because they have a sense of fun, and they don't hate men yet. LOL. In their late 20's and then their 30's, they lose that sense of fun, and many of them are jaded. LOL. Women in their 40's are cool, and very sexual, but, I know I am not the greatest thing in the world, but many women in their forties have really lost something looks wise. They have let themselves go too much. I don't want to seem shallow, but there has to be some attraction there, doesn't there?
    I know that some women will say that I am some kind of pervert because I like dating younger women(NOT TEENS). In fact,though I prefer younger women to date, I am kinda picky aobut dating in general, and haven't had a date in months. And that was just dinner, with a woman in her 40's....she was nice, but no spark.
    There is a rumor going around about me at work that isn't true. I don't know how it got started, and it's not major, but I am kinda irked about it, because the more you protest your innocense, the worse it gets. I just keep silent about it, or joke about it not being true quickly, then move on. But perception sometimes becomes reality. Oh well. I work in an environment in which rumors run rampant, and have heard many stories. This job is stressful, no physically, but mentally. You are always being watched and judged, even by your peers. All you can do is quickly and quietly make your case, then drop the subject. But still....
    I am in this big apartment, 3 beds, and sometimes wish I had a fun roomie, someone to laugh and joke with, but she would have to put up with the fact that I am a little sloppy. Beer cans, everywhere. LOL.



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