|Current mood:|| melancholy|
I lead a fucked up life
I don't know what I want.
I'm scared of what life has in store. I am not an optimistic by nature, and do not look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. I have a sinking feeling about everything right now. Maybe that's not true, maybe I don't even know what true anymore.
Yesterday I went out shopping with a co-worker. I felt fat the entire time. Hell, I am fat. Everytime I passed a mirror I would catch a glimpse of my fat face, and fat legs. Exsessive body. In the car my friend opened a gigantic bag of chips. So I ate a handful.... fuck. At home at ate peanuts, can we say fattening?? What's wrong with me?? Then I went to work, feeling like a pig. I work in retail, and there are mirrors all throughout the store. I can't stand seeing my reflection. It shows someone unhappy with who she is. Someone dying for bones, and more bones and more bones.
At night I went clubbing with my friends Cary and Katalina.... we met up with some other people. I refused to drink. Too many calories, liquid calories. Not worth it, at least not then. Katalina also has eating issues, and we spent the night talking about them. She's already thin, which is good b/c she triggers me. If she can, I can. It's like that song, (a rap song, and although I don't like rap, the chorus reminded me of my ed "I know I can, be what I want to be, if I work hard at it, I'll be where I want to be." Laying in bed with Katalina, I said:
"I wonder if I'll ever be thin"
She replied "If you want it bad enough you will."
Fuck, of course I do. I want bones. I want collar bones, cheek bones, a defined spine, hip bones, elbow bones, knobby knees, ribs.... skin and bones.... no soft flesh in the way. Has anyone ever walked behind a skinny person before and thought "wow, their body looks like a perfect little package, with everything in it's place. Nothing bulging over anywhere.... perfection" .... well, that's going to be me someday.
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