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J a c e n A n d rews (jacen) wrote,
@ 2003-09-16 13:01:00
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    Current mood: crappy
    Current music:eX-treme Dating

    Hmmm everything seems to be slowly heading downhill for me. I was thinking of posting something positive but i figured I'd start with my day. Well I woke up later then I wanted to, no surprise there. Felciai came home last night and we talked things through and she was really sweet and open with me and said she wants to really give it a shot so she said she'd call me by 6PM today because she's back in school and thats the time around she'll get home. I was callign my sponsors since I've been awake, hoping they'd bite the bait... but this Blaze of Glory event sems to be falling apart. I think I built a sinking ship and I know i'm the problem. so I don't think Blaz of glory is going to happen :( and that makes me extremely sad because it's all i've thought about, I have no backup plan... this was it for me... that was my ship and it has left. I shouldv'e paid more attention in school when all the other kids were planning their future. So i stopped with the sponsor calling today around 5:45pm. Went and showered and everything, even walked the dog.
    So around 6:30pm I called felicias house, her mom started getting into my personal business, but I remained calm about it. and yes felicia did come home, but then she went out with her friends. So much for trying. it's 1AM the next day and I never heard from her. Shows how important I am. I'm sick of this. If this were a job I'd unsderstand her not wanting to be here, but then again she'd be fired by now. I don't mean anything to this girl, not a damn thing. I felt so relieved and re-energized when she called and said what she said... I was believing it all...and here I am all alone. Bill collectors want their money and i'm out of a job again because well... racism, we'll leave it at that, but I won't press for a lawsuit. The only good news is that a casting director emailed me back telling me she is going to tell me when she holds auditions for a project. but that doesn't guarentee me jack, and it's not a paying gig. but at least it's experience.
    I now believe in the psych analysis of a positive enviorment returns psoitive results. However I don't live ina psoitive enviroment but i'm trying... i'm tryign to be optimistic again about things, otherwise i'm going to fall further down this rabbit hole. I just really don't know how I started this downward spiral. I miss my meds, I was able to think clearer, and feel successful... I never got mad while I was on them. Well i guess thats it for now... I don't know what else to write, I mean how much longer till I lose everything else? How can I make this all turn around?! All I ever wanted to do was be successful... I just never decided what to be successful at.

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2003-09-17 12:58 (link)
cheer up baybee

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