| Current mood: | distressed |
| Current music: | mb20 - 3am (live) |
This is where...
I want a daughter... heh. I realize that's a pretty unconventional way to start an update, especially with everything going on lately. But I do want one. When I woke up this morning I fed the boys and then I laid a blanket out on the livin' room floor and laid them down on their stomachs. They're at that age now that they can hold their heads up for a good amount of time and look around. So I laid on my side beside them, picked up some toys, and played with them a little. Then I realized somethin. They take after me more than they do Mandy. Sure they have some features that resemble her, but the majority of their looks is like mine. Their facial expressions, the way they both have that lazy-mouthed, crooked grin that's like mine. I hope they get her personality though when they grow up. Cause if they did, everyone would love them. They'd go so fuckin' far in life with a personality like hers. Just like how far she's come. She is the most amazing person I've ever, ever known. I want a daughter.. so everytime I look at her I'll see her mom. So she'll have Mandy's grin and Mandy's hair.. Mandy's lovin' nature, her love for life, her excitement, her ambition, her beautiful face and eyes. I want that. I'm sure she'd have some of my characteristics too, but I hope the majority belongs to Mandy.
We had probably one of the worst fights we've ever had as a married couple. Sad to say, but there really wasn't a point to it. I don't think I wanna go into detail about it. I was a jag off. I hurt her and I made her angry. Truth be told I've never seen her that angry. I wanted her to be angry at me though, which I know sounds so fuckin' stupid right now, but at the time it made sense. I was selfish. Plain and simple, selfish.. and I hurt her in the process. I've cried so much the past few days, I'm hurt, and it hurts me worse knowing that I've hurt her. I've never had somethin' affect me so much as this whole thing has and I'm sure she feels the same way.
I get a pain in my chest everytime I go over in my head what happened that day. How she looked at me so angry, so fuckin' hurt. How I couldn't make it better cause I was the one who caused it. How when I tried to touch her she'd back away. How swollen and red her eyes got from cryin' so hard, and how sometimes I know she couldn't stand to look at me. I kept talking and talking, but she wouldn't answer. She wouldn't look at me until I was pleading with her to just say something, anything.
I was so scared of losin' her and I still am. We went to McDonald's yesterday with the babies. I lost my appetite after one fry. It's not like I expected things to go back to normal after we made up. After I cleaned up the glass from the vase she threw, and doctored up her feet from when she walked across it without noticing.. and we went to sleep in each other's arms. Yet I guess.. I did kinda expect it to be the same. But see I'm an idiot like that. I think I can hurt someone and apologize and then everythin' goes back to bein' peachy. I didn't even realize things had changed until I told her I loved her across the table and she shifted in her seat and mumbled the words back. I know she loves me, but she's scared and I don't blame her. If I were in her shoes I'd prolly be hating my guts right now.
But then she looked at me, and I asked her what she was thinking. She asked me if I remembered the day we slow danced at a McDonald's when we first got together. I couldn't forget that day. Not in a million years would I forget that day. I took her by the hand and we danced, right there.. and she sang to me. Probably the most meaningful song I've ever heard, and it was for me. I broke down and I started cryin into her shoulder. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just cried and told her how I needed her. She's my air.. I'm nothin' without her. She started crying too.. and there we were. Two full-grown adults, slow dancing in the middle of McDonald's, and crying cause we were both so scared of losin' each other.
It's scary not knowin' what your wife is thinking when she looks at you. It's scary that I can't read her. That I still don't really know what she's thinking. If she's sad, if she hates me, if when she looks at me she thinkin' about how much she loves me, or if she's thinking about what an idiot I am. All I know is that I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her.
. . . I can't talk about this anymore.
I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
But the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it
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