| Current mood: | tired |
| Current music: | Brand New - Failure By Design |
home.
New layout, new icons.
So I came home today. Not that I ever really left. I've just been avoiding things.. and yeah, I guess there's no way to say that without sounding like an asshole. I have been one. No I haven't been cheatin' on Mandy, though I'm sure that thought crossed her mind at one point or another. And no I had no intention on abandoning my family. I'm not my dad. I'm not my fuckin' dad.
I came home every night, I'd make my way upstairs, I'd check on the boys first. Steppin' into their room and lookin' down on them in their cribs. They'd always be fast asleep. Sometimes I'd pull up a chair and rub my hand over their heads, just watchin' them sleep. Then I'd go to mine and Mandy's bedroom, dropping my shit onto the floor and lying down next to her. I would always be really quiet so she wouldn't wake up and I'd just lay there and stare at her. Sometimes I'd fall asleep like that, other times I'd get up and go downstairs to sleep in the den. But I'd always be up before sunrise.. which is a strange thing for me to do.. and I'd be out on the beach just sitting and watching the sun come up over the horizon.
Thinkin'. I do too much of it. I swear I live in my thoughts. I'd leave after that, goin' nowhere in particular. Just gettin' away and keeping to myself. I carried my notebook with me and wrote sometimes. Lyrics and stuff. There's a local coffee shop here that I've been goin to a lot. I think I'm officially considered a "regular." *smirks* I went to the bar once. I didn't get drunk though, I just sat and drank, and watched the TV.
I don't know why I pulled away from her like that. When I came home early tonight I thought she'd be mad, but she wasn't. She tackled me with hugs and kisses and told me she missed me. I missed her too. It felt so strange to touch her again.. I don't know if that sounds weird or what. But fuck it felt weird. Just to hold her hand, touch her face, to kiss her. It was so foreign and yet so familiar. I don't know. I can't put it into words. All I know is that I couldn't stop touchin' her. Couldn't stop lookin' at her. When we were lying in bed I just ran my fingertips over her shoulder, just completely amazed by how perfect she is. She prolly thought I was goin' crazy, but if she only know what I was thinkin.. all my thoughts about how beautiful she is. I'm lucky to have her. I love her with everything that I am.
I don't know how she puts up with me like she does. I don't think any other woman would put up with her husband goin' away and taking time to himself like I do. It's really not fair to her. She stays home and takes care of the babies while I'm out tryin' to figure myself out. Maybe there's somethin' wrong with me. I thought about that too while I was gone. Tryin' to figure out what it is that makes me do this sometimes. Makes me feel like I just need to get away and think about things, examine my life, my past.. where I've been and where I'd like to be. I still can't figure it out. All I can do is hope Mandy doesn't get sick of it.. or get sick of me.
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
Because I make things hard and your just trying to help
I got no gas, I'm winding out my gears
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts and my health is a joke
And I'm so sore, my voice has gone to hell
And this is one more sleepless night
This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock
I'm not even sure what made me decide to come home early tonight. I'm glad I did though. Sorry this update was kinda choppy. As you can prolly tell I'm not exactly myself right now.
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