| Current mood: | artistic |
| Current music: | chevelle - send the pain below |
Wow. Been awhile since I've updated. Not much has been goin' on. Just been chillaxin like jackson. *reminds himself to edit that out before he posts* No actually, a lot's been goin' on. I just haven't been around to hear about it. Once again I caught up in doin' work and let it interfere with.. well.. everything.
When I came around yesterday, Benj didn't seem too happy to see me. In fact he seemed downright pissed at me. I said somethin' like, "do you just want me to stay gone for good?" And he was all, "You keep disappearin' on us, so why not?" which really fuckin' hurt. I don't know, I guess I'm hopin' he didn't really mean that. I can see his point though. I'd be pissed if he kept disappearin' and then turnin' up outta nowhere expecting some kind of "welcome home" shindig. Plus I think Benj is really stressed, he seems to be. All the shit goin' on that he's had to deal with. I can understand why he'd be pissed at me. Plus, you know, our dad got up and left his family.. just like that. So.. maybe he was worried I was doin' the same thing. Yeah, aight I don't know anymore and I'm gonna stop tryin' to analyze him. See what happens when you don't talk to me and tell me what's goin on man? I sit around tryin' to figure you out.
Finally got a chance to talk to Sarah. The shit goin' on in her life is really frustrating even for me to listen to. I can't imagine how she's feelin' right now. She was upset with me for not comin' to visit her. I told her that I'd planned on it, but other stuff came up. Um, truth is.. I was afraid to go visit her. No I don't understand why I would be. I mean, she's my little sister and I care about her a lot. But the thought of goin' to visit her scared me shitless. Maybe it's just cause of what happened before. I know she kept sayin' how she wanted me and Benj to come visit her and everythin.. I wanted to.. but to actually do it was another thing. I think I was afraid that even though she seemed to be doin' aight, that it was just a front to get me there. Then she'd proceed to scream at me for tellin' people what had happened that day on the bus. Am I sounding crazy yet? It's just, it's a brother's fear. I don't want my sister to hate me. I didn't wanna go to the clinic and find out that she's really not doin' as good as she says she is, she hates the place, and she hates me for puttin' her there. So I didn't go visit her. I'm sorry Sarah. I'm sure I sound completely crazy right now. I just wanted you to know that it wasn't cause I was "too busy" I was just scared of what would happen.
As long as I'm bein' completely truthful here. You should know that I did go to the clinic. I just didn't go inside. I was walkin' up the steps when I completely lost my nerve.. and my stomach. So I puked in the bushes and I left. I'm sure they appreciated some random dude puking his guts out in their bushes and leaving. Heh. I'm not letting the whole thing get to me like that again. If you say you're happy and you're doin' good, I believe you. If you say you really like that Christian guy and he's a nice guy, I believe you on that too. You're a smart girl Sarah, you always have been. For some reason I feel the need to protect you all the time, but I know you don't need me to anymore.
Now I'm gonna talk about my dad. Benj has seen him, Sarah has seen him, and even though I hate the fuckin' bastard, I'm jealous as hell that I haven't. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 16, but Benj talked to him on the phone when he was what.. 18, 19? Somethin' like that. Maybe it's stupid to be envious of that, I know dad's been a dick and usually ends up saying or doing hurtful things when around one of us. But shit, I haven't even heard his voice since the day he left. He's almost like a ghost to me. Just pops up into everyone's lives except for mine. I don't think I want him in my life really. Sarah said he came back to make amends with us. I'm not gonna lie and say my heart didn't jump with excitement when she said that. But then that excited feeling passed and I was left with the truth. Why is he suddenly tryin' to make amends with us? What makes him think we can trust him again? I told Sarah that.. I told her she can see him or whatever, but not to get too attached. He left us once, there's no guarantees that he's stickin' around this time. Sarah got sad after that. Really sad. In fact her exact words were, "I was really hoping he'd be able to really stay with us this time." Which seriously killed me. I wanted to cut this guy away from her. I know she wants dad back in her life, but I don't want him hurtin' her like that.. or any of us. If he wants to set things right, he's gonna have to take it slow and gain back our trust. It's not gonna be easy, that's for sure. Personally, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I don't even feel like he's my dad anymore, just this stranger who wants back in our lives.
I spent the majority of father's day alone. I left out early and really only came back to eat meals, then left out again. Mandy never questioned me. She never got upset with me. It's like she knew I needed the time to myself. I think I got caught up so much in my thoughts about dad that I completely forgot it was my day too. I'm a daddy.. how could I forget that. Well, it's not that I really forgot about it. It just didn't feel like the day counted to me too. Father's Day has never been for me. It's always been about my dad. I'm not used to it. But now here I am with these two great kids. I love them to death.
You know, my dad's a grandfather and he probably doesn't even know it. He's gonna hate me when he gets to know me. Cause I'm everything he wasn't. I'm successful at my job, I have a happy marriage, 2 beautiful kids who I swear I will never let down, and I'm a provider for my family. I have everything he walked out on and I'm not fuckin' it up.
So I got my Father's Day presents from Mandy yesterday. The first one was.. completely awesome. She got the kids dressed in MADE clothes and had their picture taken, it was framed and everything. I swear I'm takin' this thing with me wherever we go. When we go on tour again I'm hangin' this picture up for everyone to see, just like I did with the sonogram picture of them. Benj helped her out by gettin' the clothes for her. Which was awesome of him to do. After she showed me the picture I asked her if we could dress them up in MADE gear every day and she actually said yes. *laughs* Crazy.
Aight and then there was the next present. Benj already knows what it is cause after I got it I was screamin' at him about it. But yeah, Mandy led me out to the garage with her hands over my eyes and then she flipped on the light and there was it. A Harley. I freaked out like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I was jumpin' around and cussin' and everythin. I went and picked her up and hugged her cause holy shit. It's just amazin'. I went out to the garage to look at it again today and I still can't believe she did that for me. That's the best present I've ever gotten and just the fact that she took the time to look into gettin' it still blows me away.
My wife rules.
Oh, and Benj. You know I've always admired you and looked up to you on some level. Since you're "older" by like.. 2 fuckin' minutes. But that last update of yours, the Father's Day one, totally blew me away. All the admiration and shit I had for you before rose up a billion more times after readin' that. I respect you man, I really do. You're a good guy, an awesome brother, husband, father, all of that.
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