Joel R. Madden (j__madden) wrote, @ 2003-06-10 03:18:00

Current mood:	distressed
Current music:	Oasis - Don't Go Away

fuck
Where to start. So I fucked up. We played a game.. I took things too far.. and I fucked up. I hurt some people, I made 'em pissed off, and I'm payin for it. I don't even wanna go into full detail about what happened. I just, I don't know what the hell I was thinkin. I know Jess feels the same way. We're not attracted to each other and no we don't wanna be with each other. It was just a stupid game and things got outta hand.

Paul - I'm not sure what to say. You're angry at me and you got every right to be angry at me so I'll understand if you don't wanna talk to me ever again. I crossed the line. I crossed it big time and I'm sorry as hell that it happened. Everythin' you said to me was right. But you should know that I ain't interested in Jess in that way. I know you like her a lot and I didn't do it to purposely hurt you. Even though I'm sure that doesn't even matter. I just want you to know that I didn't go into it thinkin' "aight, what can I do to piss off Paul." It was just.. a stupid act that I didn't think through. So, I'm sorry. I hope one day we'll be able to put this past us and be friends again.

Jess - I wanna apologize to you too for what happened. I've barely talked to you before all this shit happened. Which makes it kinda funny I guess. But we definitely took things too far tonight, I know you agree, and I hope you and Paul are doin' aight. I'm sorry.

Mandy - I think everythin' I wanted to say to you I already said. But just for the record, I've never been sorrier than I was today. You're the most important person in the world to me and I when I do shit that hurts you, everythin' around me comes crumblin' down. I'm really lucky I have you, I'm really lucky you forgave me and still wanna be with me. I broke down today in front of you and you didn't laugh at me, you didn't tell me I deserved to be treated like shit, you didn't even tell me that I was a horrible person. You held me close while I cried and apologized to you. I don't even know what to say about it.. I didn't deserve that kinda treatment and I sure as hell didn't deserve to be forgiven this soon. But you still gave it to me. You gave me a smile and kiss a lot sooner than I shoulda had it.. and things went back to normal, almost. See, you noticed when I wasn't smilin' and I think that meant a lot more to me than I acted like. I didn't wanna smile. You smiled at me and I'd go off and do somethin' to avoid it. I didn't think you noticed. But then you called me on it and I told you I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy, to get that smile from you and smile back. That mighta sounded really gay to you, but you didn't tell me if it did. So let it be known that you completely and totally bribed me into smilin' at you. *laughs* I'm kiddin. You're a mind-reader though, or maybe that's just somethin that comes along with bein' married.

Benj - Yeah you're up here too. Mainly cause I was talkin' to Mandy and I realized that I'm kinda angry at you right now. I know you're goin' through some kinda hard time right now. But that doesn't mean you gotta shit on me and crack jokes 'bout me and Mandy gettin' a divorce. I'm sure you didn't mean anythin' by it since you're always crackin' jokes, trying to lighten the mood. But still dude, think before you say somethin. It ain't even that though. You've been somewhat of a jerk to me lately. Like tonight, instead of givin' me advice, it seemed like all you were doin was rubbin' my mistake in my face. I don't know if it's cause you just feel like startin' shit with me, or if it's cause you're pissed at me for not bein' there lately when you needed someone to talk to. Whatever it is I hope you get it off your chest eventually and lemme know what's goin on. You're my brother man, I know we shit around with each other a lot. But I do love you man.

Aight. I think that's all I have to say. I do still feel shitty for what happened. Even if everyone I hurt forgave me, I'd still feel that way. And that's just cause I'm disappointed in myself too. I've never been the type of guy to go and do somethin' like that. So I mean, I'd say it was pretty out of character for me. Yeah, just, one shitty huge mistake.

Oh, and I changed my icons cause no one wants to read my "sorry I fucked up" post and see an icon with Mandy's beautiful face on it. Thanks.

	_amylee 2003-06-10 06:30 (link)
	*sighs and shakes head* joely guaccamoley i hope everythings okay im here if you wanna talk ive officially decided im the psycologist around here *laughs* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	j__madden 2003-06-10 17:09 (link)
	*laughs* that nickname stills gets me. And thats good.. we could prolly use a psychologist around here. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

mandy_moore 2003-06-10 11:01 (link)

You know what you should feel shitty for? Changing those icons dammit. I had really nice ones of you I wanted to put up. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO USE THE POUTY ONE. Grrrr! Um, okay, that's not why I'm commenting you, but you better know that's it's partially why I'm commenting you. Mhm. Don't say that you don't deserve to be treated the way I treated you last night or... whatever it was that you said. *scrolls up discreetly to reread that just in case* Erm... yeah. Don't say that because it's not true. You said you were sorry and I forgave you, simple as that. I think you need to learn to forgive yourself, too. Everybody makes mistakes. :| Now. Smile! Because, I ate that entire box of pizza after you went to sleep last night. :] (Reply to this) (Thread)

	j__madden 2003-06-10 17:14 (link)
	What's up with your font? *turns his black* Show me which icons you were gonna use. I'll use 'em. YOU ATE THE ENTIRE BOX? Good. *grins* And yeah, I think you're right about the forgivin' thing.. I'll work on it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

benjaminmadden 2003-06-10 11:49 (link)

I know that alotta the time, I say shit to piss you off just 'cause I'm bored or 'cause I juss wanna fuck around wi' you, but yea, lately I've been kind of resentin' you 'cause you haven't been really around. I mean dude - my shit is still fucked up an' look at you, man. You got the perfect everythin'. You say one fuckin' word an' she automatically forgives you. An' that's why I made that comment last night 'bout a divorce dude, because I knew you weren't goin' to. I knew it was gonna work out. I think that if you had known me by now, I wouldn't even make a fuckin' joke outta somethin' serious like a divorce if I knew deep inside that you were actually gonna get one. Well yea, you're comin' around now an' shit but now I juss don't wanna talk 'bout it anymore. I'm done with it. Case close. So y'know, whatever bitter resentment I had towards you before is done an' over wi' because I can't stay mad at you for too long. But I'm sorry 'bout bein' an ass to you lately. (Reply to this) (Thread)