Just don't know...
Honestly I don't know what I am doing with my life right now. I feel so directionless. I don't know what I want to do. Why do I want to work in a nonprofit? I don't even know. That's not a good thing when you can't answer that simple question. I just don't know what I want to do with my life or what I want out of life. It feels like I am just going through the motions. I am completely unfocused and I don't know how to get a focus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Why can't I figure this out? Why am I just going through the motions? I wish I knew what purpose I am supposed to have. There literally is nothing that I can think of that makes sense to my life right now. I have nothing to show for the last couple of years. Besides graduating college what else do I have? Honestly, I am such a mess. I try to talk to others about it but I hate feeling like a burden. There is no one that I feel like I can honestly talk to without being annoying or like I'm bothering them.
I just need to figure out what I am supposed to do, but I just can't. Gah, it just sucks feeling like everything I plan falls apart. Peace Corps-fell apart, Grad School-not happening at this point. What have I committed to that hasn't been destroyed? Its not even like I can blame anyone but myself. There is no one to blame but myself. It like I don't want to succeed, not even succeed, but I feel like I get in the way of my own plans. Like I am the reason that everything falls apart. oh dang. That's hard to admit. I am the reason that my life has gone down this road. I am the reason that I haven't achieved everything I want. There really is no one else to blame. Crap. I am my own kryptonite. What are you supposed to do when you have an epiphany like this? SERIOUSLY?? This is amazing. I don't know if this is going to hit me all right now or if I am going to have to come to this epiphany more than once. AHHHHH
What am I supposed to do now? Dance? Shake my groove thang? OMGOSH. I am my own kryptonite. This is serious. Getting in the of other peoples plans are different but f**king up your own plans? That is low. Damn. I need to do something. Like, seriously. Get out and figure this whole thing. I need to take a shower. I need a poster board.
STEP 1: take shower
STEP 2: Live my life!
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