|Current mood:|| creative|
|Current music:||Pat Benetar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot|
(jen, i love u n i dont mean anything bad by what i write in my journal, its a way to vent without having to tell everything to u guys n bother u with my stupid shit, so take none of this personally... n teh codiene, medicine for my bronchitus, i just dont take it during the day so i have more to take at night so i can feel all tingly n fuzzy n then actually sleep....)
so yeah, today mightve been my last day at suffern, tomm im goin upstate with my dad to go to khs, im kinda excited! lol. so this weekend i had alot of fun at kats, billy thinks im just trying to force myself to have fun, but i dont think its true, maybe i forced myself to be in a good mood around jordan n kate n john n them, but i ended up having alot of fun being nice to them. so yeah, kat met this guy who looks just like jordan, but hes 20 n lots of tatoos n he drinks all the time n he has nice cars n actually does stuff with his life, the problem here? he lives in mahwah, lol. his friends r awesome too. i had fun hangin out with them, i felt like a kid, like id known them forever. it wa cool, so kats been coming down to hang out with him, she seems happy n now we're all happy. me kat n jen, all happy at the same time, lol, weird. so last night i stalked ernie n gave him a 6 page letter telling him everything i feel n think about him. i felt bad giving him such a negative leter lol, he was being really nice to me at seans n i felt like a dick. but a funny thing happened today, i felt completely free. i know hell never forgive me for some of the things i said in that letter n i love it! hell prolly feel really bad after reading it, n that makes me feel good. as bad as it sounds, im free from him. for the first time in 5 years i fel free n im excited to get out there n find love. my heart is no longer black n scarred, its like, reborn n shit. lol, i sound like the biggest dork, but i feel great! me n torres became friends again a few weeks ago so he came to get me last night, i had so much fun with that boy. he doesnt realize how much he means to me. mes my baby. yeah, eugene was supposed to hang out but he was nowhere to be found so i went to lil tobins house. it was cool. then big tobin drove me home n i got him lost bc im dumb.lol. i started talking to that matt kid from that band in england again, its cool. hopefully hell play warped tour this year n ill go out n see him or something? i dont feel too emo anymore, i feel kinda like a dork, but its not a bad feeling. ive been walking around school constantly reading books. currently the color purple, its a really good book. im not gunna try n find love anymore, i figure itll come one day n im not really in ahurry. soon ill find a guy who likes me for me. im gunna stop being a slut n calm down. im getting my shit together for the next few months. maybe my soul mate is in philly? i already got a job in port ewen working with kat at la mirage. n me n jessy r gunna be school buddies n im just gunna stalk jon carpino n jimmy hardgrove, actually, jimy knows im coming, we had a tif online. that boy is gunna have a very rudfe awakening when he realizes what life is really about. so, i stopped talking to mie, hes a cunt. n dane like moved to buffalo i think? hes gey. n everything is pretty normal. billy is kinda like, distanced himself from me. everyone thinks i have no time for them, but really i have notime for myself or snything. all i do is work n school n work on my portfolio. ive been working mon, tuesday, thursday n friday n going away from friday til sunday nights. ive been good, n thats all that matter i guess? ernie was online n he didnt even im me, i think he finally got the hint, i prolly hurt him. wow, if i hurt ernie, then im set. i made a mark in his life. thats pretty impressive if i do say so myself. lol/im gunna go lay down for like an hour.
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