My Heart Speaks (iwishyouknew) wrote, @ 2004-10-29 23:53:00

It's not been easy. I have been sick for the last few days, and only really started to feel better today. I did go to work, only because someone has to put food on the table.

Christopher and I had a long long talk yesterday. At some points I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, but couldn't express myself to him, in order for him to hear me right.

He thought meeting Joey would instantly make him change his mind about having kids in his life. He doesn't realize that meeting a kid for the first time, in a completely non confrontile mode won't do that for anyone. I respect the fact that he was honest with me, but I just want to scream. He was frustrated with the fact that Joey and the other boy Gabreal, were so involved in rough and tumble play that it made him nervous. "Well it made me nervous too, but that is what boys do when they are together, you should be happy that the boys got along."

He says that I am perfect for him in everyway, but is so worried that he is so set in his ways he can't accept me and my kids as a package deal, but knows we are a package. Honestly he mentioned that he really thinks that his buying the house that would hold me and my three kids was a sign from God, because what are the chances that the house he would fall in love with would fit me and the kids in perfectly. (before he was looking at really tiny houses with only on or two bedrooms)

He says he keeps looking for the signs that he is ready to change and is worried, that the sign won't appear. Everytime he expresses doubt I feel my heart sink into a hole that I didn't ever want my heart to feel again.

I know I have the odds stacked against me. I know I have three kids. I know that no man really wants to deal with the extra luggage that I have. I want to scream and cry. "Why God, why?" Why drop this man that fits everything I prayed for in my lap. Why allow me to fall in love with everything that he is, and yet You wan't give him the clarity to know that he can love me and all that I have to give including my kids? Why won't God make this an easy deal? Haven't I had enough heartache already? Don't I deserve my chance at love?

I know, I know, I know...just hand all my problems to God, and He will make everything all better. Dammit I know it. How many times to I have to be taught? Why can't God finally make this easy for me? I've lost everything in my life that I had, and finally when I really think I have my chance once again, God once again throws up a barrier. How is that fair?

I know, honestly I do know. If Christopher can't love me AND my kids, we can't be a couple. I won't chose a man over my kids. My kids didn't ask to be here, I chose this life for them, and they come first, period the end.

I look at my Ex husband. It was easy for him to walk away, and live his life with another woman. He moved on and I raise his kids. He takes them when it is convient for him and his hussy. He walked out, and moved on with little reguard for the kids he created. Every night he has someone sitting by his side, and sleeping beside him. He gets adult talk everynight, and companionship. No matter how I feel about the hussy, he gets something. It was easy for him to walk away, and start something new, without the little attachments he created.

Me I beg to have everything he and I created together to be accepted, and perhaps to be loved as if they were his own. I worry constantly, I will end up forever alone. I don't know how this is fair. See in my mind, my heart can love, I so have this loving heart, and all I want is to be loved, and have this family loved.

All I know is every day I scramble to pick up the peices of this broken heart, and all I want him to do is fall in love with all my pieces. I want him to pull it all together and make us whole once again. Honestly I don't see how this is fair, and in reality it won't ever be fair.

Men can create life, but they will never know what it is to feel life grow inside of them. I really think that some men think that once ejaculation happens that is where the obligation ends. Perhaps God knew this, perhaps he knew men would walk away, even if they grew the child within. Maybe God knew women would walk away if we never felt our child grow inside. Maybe God knew what He was doing when he chose the woman to bare the fruit of thy womb.

I don't know, but I hardly think it is fair.

shared_solitude 2004-10-30 11:39 (link)

Listen, this is how it is. If Christopher really loves you he will also love your children. You cant love parts of a person and be happy, you have to love the person in their entirerity. So, if he walks away because he "cant accept" your children then its a blessing from God. Why would you want to be with someone who resented your children? On the other hand, have you two gone to counseling to work this through? Maybe he has some issues from childhood that is making him scared to be in the parental role, you never know. If this is the case, think of how much you can help him by working through those issues. In the end, everyone ends up happy. Fear is a good thing to recognize, because if we dont recognize our fears we never work through them. You two have way too much fun together for him to just walk away. I dont see it happening. So find a way to work this through.... and dont forget the method you used because there will be many many more issues in your lives together to work through. Salah and I just went through something simular, although it didnt have anything to do with my children, it was an issue that we needed to work through in order for our relationship to continue. It was painful, more then anything I have ever experienced internally, but I learned so much about how to work through issues with him, and he with me. So... dont think of this a a burden, but a blessing in disguise. Get your thinking cap out and find out how your going to work this out. I have a strong feeling he doesnt want it to end either, but is scared of something within himself and is turning to you for help rather then running from you. *hugs tightly* Its gonna be fine hun. (Reply to this) (Thread)