My Heart Speaks (iwishyouknew) wrote, @ 2004-09-15 00:16:00

Just thinking,
You know all to well I've been feeling really great these days.

I have finally come to a conclusion.

There is a man who is living his life, he shares half of my DNA. I have never seen his face, and don't know anything about him. I lived a life geared towards making him finally want him to be a part of my life.

Somehow, I got it in my head that I was worthless, if My own father didn't want me.

The night Christian was born, mom and I were out taking a break. Mom confessed that she wanted to get back in touch with him, my sperm donor. Somehow, mom thought that if he were a part of my life, it would help me.

I don't know how many nights I have cried over this little fact in my life. How unworthy am I? He doesn't even want to be apart of my life, the life he created. I have finally come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard he tries to be a man, he is still a scared 18 year old boy, and terrified to face the decisions he made in the past.

For so long, I took his decisions to heart and made them apart of who I am. I finally realized, that night Sept 3, 2004, I am not the product of anyones decisons, I am a product of myself. What he chooses to acknowlede or not has no baring on who I am. All of his kids know I exist, and am more than certain would wish that I wasn't the truth that is their father's deep dark secret.

I am certain that he is the daddy, I always dreamed of having. Just by listening to him talk about his kids, I knew he was a great dad to them, or as great as he could be to them with what he had to offer.

It seems out of all of his kids, I am the only one that did anything he could be proud of. I have a brother and two sisters. I have a nephew ....and maybe more additions to the family that I perhaps know nothing of. My reality is I have this whole part of my life I know nothing about.

Living in my reality, I finally came to this conclusion. I love my sisters and brother. More than likely I will never meet them. I don't care to meet the man who donated half of my DNA. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to me the man I've been told I look so much like. I just don't care to know him.

I'd like to know my siblings, though.

I am no less a whole person for not knowing him or them. My life is fine just the way it is, and I am doing fine. I have learned you don't need to be acknowlegded to be complete.

	sammygurl 2004-09-15 18:27 (link)
	you don't need your parents to define who you are. the whole part of growing up and growing old is the journey to find yourself and define yourself. good luck on your journey..... i like who you are just fine. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	shared_solitude 2004-09-17 10:46 (link)
	Congratulations Karri! It was never about your worth but his lack of self value. Could you email me the password to the LJ? Mandi_744@hotmail.com Thanks *hugs* (Reply to this) (Thread)