| Current mood: |  complacent |
| Current music: | the smashing pumpkins |
What we do in life echoes in eternity.
No sleep.
I want to shave the back of my head. I hate having long hair in the back. I can feel it bothering my shirt collars and whatnot. Bah.
I missed class yesterday because my cell phone alarm was set to PM and not AM.
I've been eating normally again. I guess it means I'm in a healthier mental state? When I was all depressed like I would have a few chips to eat everyday and that was it. It was weird. I REALLY need to start exercising again. My arms are...nothing. I get winded going up a flight of stairs, it's ridiculous.
Anyhow, I'm watching Gladiator right now. I really wish I could be like the character of Maximus..I mean, I want to be able to hold on and steadfast to such a strong moral and value system. Even in the face of adversity and temptation..to not give in. I want to be able to say no to the secular and immoral pleasures that my current society has deemed as common life. I have a strong distaste for a lot of my generation. They're nothing more than a mass of worldly pleasure seekers who are all about "living in the now" and having fun rather than being something and living forever. I've gone on and on about the subject so many times before but it doesn't mean anything to anyone except maybe Kim and/or Lucy. People say they aren't addicted..but they are. Everything is about drugs, sex, popular music and partying. It's crap. So many people I know live off of their parents and hate them, yet have never held a job or anything. They expect everything to be a party. They want everything but they don't want to work for it. All they do is talk "I'm really going to have to knuckle down" blah blah. But they won't. We're all slowly learning that fact. It's been a few years now and it's only gotten worse. In the beginning everyone said "Oh, it's only once or twice" and I constantly made my worries clear that it would grow..and it did. It is still today. What was a once a month thing became once a week, once a day, multiple times a day. Before, after and during school. Then it lead to betraying friends, putting on a mask of "Oh, I love you!" then "I hate that person" and eventually led to experimenting with even more things. It has become an obsession, with people naming the tools of their trade, devoting entire entries to their love of these pleasure, yet omitting the darker angels of their nature because they're ashamed of what they really do. Lying to people, never settling down, playing the victim. Shove it up your ass. If you can't man up to the shit you do then stop pretending to be so innocent. All of this goes beyond the drug problem, the drugs are only gateways. After that the people normally get into the physical pleasures of the opposite sex. Of course, it's not kosher to commit yourself to one person these days, it's all about having multiple partners and not caring about cause and effect. And then they become total slackers who do nothing with their lives. They have trouble asking themselves and answering truthfully "Has anything I've done improved my life?"
One cop out I don't like is the "It doesn't matter what you do, it's what you mean, or what is in your mind." This is bullshit. Screw what is in your mind. Our actions make us men. It isn't our words, our thoughts or our beliefs, it is what we do in life. When we see these 10 year old hoochie mamas at the mall wearing miniskirts and skintight tubetops hitting on guys in the parking lot who are 8 years older than them we know where they got it from. They look up to their older brothers and sisters who get drunk, high and wasted and make out with all these different guys all the time and talk only about how awesome it is.
But I'm no better than they are. Anyhow, this is just a random subject I was thinking about as I watched Gladiator.
Live in the now my ass. Live forever.
Well, it's four in the morning. Another day has gone by. They're going by at an alarming rate. Summer is almost over. It really makes no difference though, I've been working and going to class all summer anyhow. I'm sort of dependant on my schedule. If I didn't have these challenges to keep me occupied I fear I would go mad. I guess that's why I chose to start a business? If you want to try something hard, try that. I promise you it's more difficult than anything you can imagine. I like it when something in life seems insurmountable..unattainable. It raises the bar for the next time and if you fail, who cares, there's always next time. Unless of coure you're too busy living in the moment. Of course, I need to apply this to my love life where I fail. But there are variations here. The most powerful force on earth will take me a little bit longer to conquer. Of course, I don't claim to do any of these things on my own as Christ is the only reason any of it is possible.
I need to manage my money better. I seem to be having trouble juggling paying for my car, cell phone, insurance, gas, clothes, food, entertainment, tuition and books etc and all of that other stuff. I mean, I've had to pay for most of these since I was sixteen, but now everything seems to have been multiplied tenfold. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to live on my own, and to tell you the truth, I can wait. There are so many CDs, and DVDs I've been wanting to buy..but I don't. Those are on the very bottom of my list of priorities. It was a mistake for me to be talked into a cell phone but oh well. And I drive everywhere...I don't know why. I hate driving. I have been buying many clothes at Express but I've been using my tip money and I feel better about it because for one thing, I need to be able to sell myself--to sell The Bubble.
Today is going to be so boring. Class in a few hours and then it's off to work on the Bubble and then it's straight to work. BUT! Afterwards I'm going to Alison's to watch Return of the King again hand in hand so the day is worth it.
I feel sort of bad about using Kim's discount the other day for my Bartender's Guide..she's apparently had some rough times at work lately and I always come and bother her. I really feel for her, she works some crazy hours and juggles class, and keeps up her photography and other talents. And living like 15 minutes away from everything doesn't help and she has had some troubles at home in the past as well but those aren't my place to talk about. And yet she still manages to devote so much time to Jake and to her friends with a minimal amount of selfish bullshit. She works hard for what she does and she isn't given enough credit for it. I just think she should know that there are those who hold her in high regards. She reminds me of the main character in It's A Wonderful Life.
Emily Bratcher is someone else we should all look up to and respect. As for me, instead of Maximus, William Wallace or Spider-Man, I'm more like Salieri(sp) in Milos Forman's "Amadeus". I'm Woody during the middle act of Toy Story. But I shall continue to work on bettering myself.
Well, it's about time for studying. Until next time, dear Blurty!
-Mario out.
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