| Current music: | smashing pumpkins |
Blurty my old friend! The long, boring, morning hours bring me to you again as I feel like a total loser for updating my livejournal every five minutes. Of course, this is only the case normally between midnight and five in the morning when I find myself restless and full of energy.
I need things to do...to type...oh journals, how you have become my only outlet. How perfect you are. I mean, you're anonymous, online and require effort and in turn fill my heart with joy and stimulation. I am too lazy during these hours to engage in fruitful endeavors, yet too pent up not to do anything.
Let's see..what is on my mind?
So, I'm sort of dating Alison? I don't know, we've started the hand holding thing but I think she wants to wait it out a bit longer because our best friend, Hayley, likes me, apparently. Maybe she's waiting to see if I go back to Kristel...if that is the case then she need not worry..well, yeah...OK...yeah...she need not worry. I'll admit it though, Kristel does cross my mind in many hypothetical scenarios, such as "what if we did this different.." and "if only this worked.." and of course various sexual scenarios.
It's funny, I have a majority of friends that are girls, and I love them to death but my trust issues are so severe it troubles me. I constantly feel paranoid, fearful, worried and suspecting of them. Both friends and significant others alike. Kristel and I had a conversation about this subject one night. A few nights before she moved, apparently I wasn't opening up enough, I mean I was, but she said when I would speak of certain subjects I would look away and my eyes would wander nervously, rarely locking with hers. My issues with confidence and ability to sort through serious matters is flawed and while I recognize the problem I have no idea how to fix it. It has been decided that my parents come into play alot on the matter as they've never really been there for me unless I needed material things but I've never been able to have conversations with them unless I want to talk to my dad and be ridiculed, yelled at and possibly be beaten--or I could talk to my mom who misinterprets everything I do and considers me a failure, possibly gay, possibly on drugs and a hack who follows pipe dreams. I would always turn to my sisters to confide in, but when the occasion arose for them to get ahead they would turn their backs on me or tuck tail and run in my time of need.
It's a very complicated problem going on in my head. More hypothesis' and conclusions to come in the future. But if I feel as though my trust has been violated then there is rarely a chance for reconciliation.
Enough of that subject, I don't even know what I was saying, it's all so jumbled in my mind. Anyhow, things on the jobfront are fantastic. I work with neat people and make a nice amount of dough.
Class is as boring as ever only now I have some crappy old teacher this session. Meh.
I've been listening to Radiohead alot lately. It reminds me of things. I never used to listen to them but now I find them to be in my top ten. They really are quite phenomenal.
That weird Laura girl I almost made the mistake of going to homecoming with wants to have sex with me, apparently. This is both flattering and revolting.
I really need to start seeing people before they leave for college. It's been a depressing cloud that has been growing in my mind for sometime. Oh well, I hardly have any friends in my grade anyhow. I'm not very well liked in my grade.
Then again, I'm not very well liked in any grade. This is irrelevant however as I must learn to rise above them all. It is a mission priority. My shortcomings currently outweigh my progress but I still have the motive..I still have the ambition. I can make this count for something.
Haven't been drunk since Cayman. That made four times to be drunk this year. I don't plan on getting drunk anytime soon, but drinking commences as a privilege and a pleasantry. I plan to take bartending classes this fall. I want to learn to mix drinks and to become a great cook. Cooking is fun as well. Making things is fun. Creating.
I've cut fast food from my diet. Not to lose weight but to become healthy and obtain a higher state of mind. I lost enough weight in June from being depressed....25 lbs in one month. My weight fluctuates far too intensely for me to control. Last year I wanted to bulk up because my wiry, thin frame made me depressed and self concious, so I binged and pumped the iron to raise my weight 30 lbs. This I realized was a mistake and I spent 2 months losing those pounds and so on and so forth...back and forth..
I really don't like myself. I see my dad in me more than I like. This I won't elaborate on but it really gets me.
I like my ideas though. I love my ideas. I love my dreams, I have great dreams, how can people not love my dreams? Why can't I obtain these dreams? Once I can match myself with my goals I will be content. But then I remeber the old saying to be happy with what you have...and I am happy, I guess? But I worry that people aren't happy with me and so I become unhappy with them and then unhappy with myself...
This entry will be hella' long.
I like eliminating difficulty from my life, but I start to wonder, am I no better than them? By taking this easy way out am I simply supplying myself with my own drug? Is it a cop out?
Despite the worries in this post I'm currently at a high point in my life, but I can't ignore my worries. Worries that are with me constantly. I've lucked out on so much, and my faith rewards me, but I turn my back on it just like everything else...I always seem to want more. Always wanting.
I expect too much.
I accomplish too little.
I'm sure these are common laments...oh well.
Some more lighthearted tidbits...I switched colognes. Since the 8th or 9th grade (or earlier!?) I have been wearing curve. But now, I wear Curve Crush!! The worlds gone topsy turvy!
AND I have gone back to my Express for Men ways. Only will I shop there, just like the Mario of yesteryear.
I am damn lucky to have the friends I have. Damn lucky. And I'm damn lucky to have a girl like Alison like me...she is a genuinely nice girl...I never usually seem to fall for these types. She has good morals and a solid value system. She's modest and beautiful. I realize I'm lucky to have been liked by many other females..I guess I never realized this because I may not have shared their feelings but it makes you think. What if you gave them a chance? How would things be different? A lot of times my best friends who happened to be girls would end up liking me and totally weird me out. I am a firm believer in plutonic friendship and intimacy. It's quite nerve-wracking. It's sort of like John Cusacks realization in High Fidelity. Sure, Tabitha, Kristel, Jesi, Angie and Sara hurt and were mean and whatnot, but what about the situations where I was in the wrong? What about my actions regarding Sarah, Jennifer, Amber, Ella, Jessy, Amanda, Charlotte and to an extent (though we never dated)Colleen? I guess it evens itself out regardless of my selfish feelings, the world works itself out.
But I mean, it can't be that bad...I've broken hearts too, right? Bad/Good, Good/Bad. I have received equal treatment for my darker angels. Alot of people sympathize for me when they hear of my two and a half years of singledom as if I'm some vile troll or weary puppy but most don't know just how many relationships I've had. It's not all their fault.
Sure, I stick to my idea of girls uniting together under a conspiracy of evil but I must remember how fickly I am and how much I suck.
I can't seem to make sense of my thoughts. I'm eccentric, and complicated but here's what I've gathered for sure:
There are no constants, only variables. Every rule and moral has a contradiction.
That's all I'm sure of. Figure it out yourself. It's impossibly difficult and wildly simple.
It's 4 am. Closing time. Opening time.
Everybody in the world is into "indie movies" now and the Flaming Lips. BITE MY DICK..
I told you so.
Scene music and hardcore is a terrible, terrible choice of music. So is "punk" and it's many branching genres. I've made many mistakes in the past on related subjects. I feel slightly more matured now.
The end of this post is near.
I find myself missing Balto. Maybe it's more than just Balto...maybe it's a lot of things...people...ideas...abstract realities..
-mario out.
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