| Current mood: |  tired |
"You don't want to know."
He answered the phone almost as though he was dead. Monosyllabic, hardly animated. He's been sick but it's no excuse. I say hi. Hi, he responds. Flatly, not angrily but not enthusiastically.if it is anything,its nothing. "its..me. Jaimie?" For a second I'm not sure he knows. He's never responded to me this way before. "yea, hey, whatsup?".It sounds like he's been crying but its just his 6-week sinus infection .."We...haven't talked... in awhile?" "yea. i know."
He's in the library studying and can't talk. He's paranoid people are listening to him, nobody actually cares. He speaks too quietly anyways. "I really appreciate that you called. i really want to talk to you." (Really want to? he never wanted to? Tenses are tricky). He continues. "I mean, its good you called today. I wasn't going to pick up for anyone. I had such a bad night.."
"why?.." i don't know why I felt scared asking. "you hungover?"
"no." His no's are always very final, obstinate. "not hungover..ehh...[he doesn't want to say or maybe he does, just not now. I can't tell}..."I really want to talk jaimie. Just, I can't in a library. What time is it there? 5?" [I didn't even have a chance to look, its practically like he does the plus 2 so frequently he's got it down to an art. It takes me a while to remember the time change usually].
"yea, its 5."
"Alright, I see him considering leaving the library. He calculates his time. Well i'm gonna eat at 5 and then i'll call you? Are you--Will you be--going out tonight?"
"No," I half-laugh. "It's Sunday. I never do anything on Sundays."
***
He calls me on time. For once, i'm not surprised. He's going through something--
"So, how've you been?"
we go through the motions.
I ask him where he disappeared to. Not that direct, kind of jokingly. I dont want him to know I was that concerned. He picks it up inevitably. There's no hiding the obvious.
"oh..I...um..I just had all this paperwork to fill out. For graduation...I had to get credit for that internship..." He feeds me a half-truth. I take it. I don't actually want to know why he disappeared, I feel like I know just like he knows why I fell off the earth too. I might be making this all up in my head.
"So how's school been for you Jaimie?"
"It's been alright. I feel like this year has been better than the past years. I don't really know--"
"Why's it better?"
"I don't know. I just feel more--stable." I smile with possibly feigned conviction.
"Because you have a boyfriend?" He asks me directly. I felt hurt at first, that he'd want to know. I didn't want to, I wouldn't want to know. But then I realize he sounds hard, a little angry. A little too defensive for cold. Plus, he asked me too fast for it not to have been rehearsed.
"--I...[my pause goes on a little too long] No. Well, no. Not really. I mean I'm --did I tell you about how i'm leaving?" It was like I had a mini break-down. Nothing that came out of my mouth made the least bit of sense. I told him about NY, he let my garbage answer go. Just like I had taken his earlier, he took mine.
He brought up his bad night again later on. I asked him why, hesitatingly. I had a nagging suspicion. He considers answering me, I hear him start, inhales sharply, and then he stops himself. "You don't want to know." I think about what he says, the usual response is "Yea I do! Comeonnn Tell me!" But he hadn't said "You don't want to know" in a flirty light tone. He meant it, this time. I had to be honest with myself, I didn't want to know.
He tells me without telling me. He stayed up until 5 am the night before and then woke up at 11 and instantly went to the library to throw himself into studying. "It's so you dont have to think about what happened yesterday night?" He says yeah.
"Well, other than your bad night... You're happy though? happy with this school year?" I ask a little too cheery.
"Yea..its been alright. I am surprised, I should have had a lot more depressed nights already."
"Is it because You're a Senior now?"
"Yea, it is. ...Among other things." I dont want to think about the second half.
We talk more about nothing. Too many pauses...hesitations, too many " I dont want to shares." we're protecting each other from a reality that doesn't include each other. We're too delusional to accept the reality fully though, yet.
"Are you coming home for thanksgiving?"
"No." I tihnk about where I'll potentially be this year, and feel sad. "You're--going to..{i know where he's going, he always goes to cali each year.}
"Cali."
"Are you coming back for winter break?" He asks me.
"Yes. yea i am. My mom really wants me to. What are you doing?"
"I'm going to Maui with Nathan."
"Lucky. I want to take a trip too."
"Not a trip. You need to just go somewhere warm for a little."
(what difference does it make?)
Of course we dont make plans.
I can't take it anymore. I stop talking, because there's not any real dialogue. Just half questions with half answers and so many unspoken assumptions that both parties want to be wrong. He says he wants to call me. "Ha. in a year? or two?" "no. I'll call you soon." Why? I want to ask him. Look at us now, "talking" on the phone but not talking. We're both cowards. I hang up first, I have to. I always hang up first. Then, I felt metallic, got that funky artificial taste in my mouth. All I wanted to do then was sleep.
I know the last page so well, I can't read the first. So I just don't start, it's getting worse
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