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trying to convince myself if anything is real (ilori) wrote,
@ 2003-11-21 06:04:00
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    Current mood:heavyhearted & thinking
    Current music:linkin park, easier to run

    if i could retrace every wrong move i made, i would . .
    i suddenly realize how horrible i am at -- helping. i think i do all this good, and really . . . what do i accomplish? nothing. so why do i keep doing it? because i feel it's worth doing. but i'm not DOING ANYTHING if i am not helping anybody.

    if i go to texas, i may hurt cs by ' being there ' for him . . but in the end, just leaving him to the same solitary existance he faces every day.

    if i don't go . . . i hurt him regardless. WHAT IF being there for a little while will help him more than never being there at all? but what if it hurts him more, by being there and then having to leave again?

    . . i can't fix him. i know that, i know that, i know that ; only he can do it.

    but i still feel responsible for what he's going through now. he told me i'm the only one who makes him feel any better, who makes him smile -- that's all i've ever wanted to do . . be able to make him smile and be happy, even for a moment. god, poor cs. he doesn't deserve to be this fucking miserable ; he doesn't deserve to feel so alone . . he doesn't deserve ANY of this.

    i shouldn't have told him about texas unless i was 100% positive & i already had the ticket. what he doesn't know, can't hurt him. if he didn't know, he wouldn't be hurting over the fact that i really might not be able to go now.

    ( this is the part where i actually explain what the hell my entry is about to those of you that don't understand & still actually read this thing. )

    i was thinking of going to texas to spend thanksgiving with my friend emma & her family. she invited me, and i was thrilled because i wanted to meet her family . . and see my friend, cs. i wanted to help him. he's one of the sweetest people in the world, and he's just so unhappy -- it's not fair. i realize that's a childish thing to say. life isn't fair, it's not like i don't know that . . . but why do the good people always seem to get shafted? it's just cruel & unusal punishment -- that's the only way i can think of to describe it.

    everything was almost set . . but when i went to book my flight, the one i wanted last night was filled up & the only one i seemed able to find now was from nov. 25th to dec. 3rd. that would have me missing almost an entire week of classes -- my gpa can't afford to take a nose-dive like that. i owe it to my father, eddie, my mother . . all the people who are depending on me to get good grades, to do well.

    but how selfish is it of me to leave my friend out in the cold like that? i'm scared now . . really scared. i love cs to pieces. the one thing i NEVER wanted to do, was hurt him. i never wanted to do that, not ever. i finally succeeded in mattering to him -- and what do i do? hurt him, either way. if i go, i may be hurting him more then if i don't go at all. ( kiora would tell me that i'm thinking/worrying too much about this. hi have we met? i'm the paranoid girl :/ geezus i need to quit this but it's a part of me i think . . )

    i wish i knew what the hell to do. at the same time? my friend alice was almost raped & my friend sarah was diagnosed positive with AIDS today. these events brought back all these painful memories of the two events from january & february of 2002 that i've . . . . tried so hard to block out of my mind entirely. it made me an even firmer believer in my old values. recently i was thinking of changing them -- of . . of giving into my lonliness, my desire or impulse . . to have someone close to me, even if its wrong. how could i have even forgotten for one second, the consequences of those actions? one moment of weakness is all it takes to end up with the irrevocable . . damages that can be caused by casual sexual relations. my god, poor sarah. i can't even imagine what she's going through right now. you always think " this can't happen to me or anyone i know/love/care about " -- and then it does. poor alice. at least she got away from him, and the guy is in custody now. i hope they book that sonofabitch. i know what it's like . . . to not get away twice -- thank god she didn't have to go through that. thank god for that small miracle.

    THIS DAY STARTED OFF GOOD, I SWEAR TO YOU. i was smiling for the first time in almost a month. it was beautiful outside. blue sky, warm sunlight, light breeze, not a cloud anywhere. a boy i didn't know walked up to me at lunch and said: 'scuse me, i just wanted to say i think you have the most magnetic smile i've ever seen. i stammered a thank you as he walked away, and it made me smile even more. my friend kelly got accepted to NKU and she'll be joining me here in january. i got two e-mails from my friend jon, and another from my friend marcus. we're making plans to get together over x-mas break. i talked to my little cousins today, for the first time in weeks -- gosh i miss them. ( i miss gracie, dawson & stephen too, dammit :[ little people are wonderful ) michelle & i made dinner, and then we baked cookies & watched friends and will & grace.

    it started off like the greatest day, and it's ending like this. i swear i have really shitty karma. these thoughts are keeping me awake, and i've tried to sleep for hours now -- hours. you know what? i wish i had just one more day/night . . . . like the first one i spent here. just one more, to balance out all the shit and negativity of the past three weeks/month.

    . . okay i'm shutting up now. :: attempts sleep once more. ::

    something has been taken,
    from deep inside of me . .
    a secret i've kept locked away,

    NO ONE CAN EVER SEE . .
    wounds so deep they never show,
    they never go away . .
    like moving pictures in my head,
    for years & years they've played . .

    if i could change,
    I WOULD . .
    take back the pain,
    I WOULD . .
    retrace every wrong move i made,
    I WOULD . .
    if i could stand up & take the blame,
    I WOULD . .
    if i could take all the shame to the grave,
    I WOULD . .
    if i could change,
    I WOULD!
    take back the pain,
    I WOULD . .
    retrace every wrong move i made,
    I WOULD . .
    if i could stand up & take the blame,
    I WOULD . .
    i'd take all the shame to the grave
    it's easier to run,
    replace this pain with something numb . .
    it's so much easier to go,
    then face all this pain here all alone . .
    sometimes i remember,
    the darkness of my past . .
    bringing back these memories,
    i wish i didn't have . .
    sometimes i think of letting go,
    and never looking back . .
    never moving forward,
    so there'd never be a past . .

    if i could change,
    I WOULD!
    take back the pain,
    I WOULD . .
    retrace every wrong move i made,
    I WOULD . .
    if i could stand up & take the blame,
    I WOULD . .
    i'd take all the shame to the grave
    just pushing it aside,
    all of the helplessness inside . .
    pretending i don't feel misplaced,
    is so much simpler then change . .
    it's easier to run,
    replacing this pain with something more . .
    it's so much easier to go,
    then face all of this pain here all alone . .


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iodine
2003-11-21 12:22 (link)
OhmyGod, I am so sorry about your friend Sarah, I cannot imagine what it would be like to diagnosed AIDS positive. I don't know how I would deal with that, it's so horrible. Some poeple with AIDS live for many of years after that, so I just hope for her sake, and everyone who loves her's sake, that she remaind healthy for a long time now. I am sorry about your other friend, Alice. It is just a good thing that she got away and that asshole got taken into custody. That is just a terrible thing to happen, but God must have been watching her. Thank God she remained safe and didn't have to go through the horror of being raped. Also, about your friend cs. I am sorry he is so miserable, I hope he feels better soon. Just realize that he has to do it himself, and there is only so much that you can do to help him. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here.
-Megan

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