|Current mood:|| blank|
|Current music:||dreams ; the cranberries|
I *finally* decided to update. Actually, Lauren, Jamie and a few other non-mentionables (*cough*TONY*cough*) told me that if I didn't update they'd make me walk the plank (or they just whined about it a lot). So, enjoy reading this long, rambling update that shouldn't be going in since I should be cramming for my Bio test tomorrow!
Life's been... busy. I have to say that I am REALLY enjoying sophomore year a lot more than freshman year, which counts for a lot. I mean, honestly, freshman year had its good, and great, days. But there was that whole winter, where I just didn't want to do anything. I don't really know how to describe it. It was sort of like a period of time for me to sit and go "Who the hell are you, and what the hell do you want?", and even though I may not have completely answered those questions yet, I at least spent the time and now do not stress over them as much as I used to.
Now its more like I stress over everything else. I could probably budget my time, I could probably not worry so much, but I do. I forced myself to involve myself in extracurricular activities so I WOULDN'T end up with another winter like last, and to actually stick by what I said last year and do the things I promised others I would do (with the exception of Drama Club, and we all know why I didn't do that). I think I've decided that I want to be stressed out. I need the challenge and I need the motivation and I need the fun in my life again. I had the relaxation, and I will have more time to relax, but right now I need to focus like the friggin' Karate Kid and get back on track. I slacked off last year, and I can't afford to do it again this year.
But its not like I'm not enjoying myself, because I truly am. Even in the bad times, there comes good things. I made Swing Choir, which was a goal that I set for myself and achieved (and holy shit was I surprised), and I enjoy it. Student Council has become more of an open forum for us members to say what we think we should do, what our thoughts are, and that's great too. Sophomore Class Committee came in second in the Homecoming float parade, and I got to crown the Homecoming court. I mean, it may be little things, but its little things that remind me my life is okay. I can't say that I am 100% geuinely happy, but I'd give it a good 85% or so. There are things I want to change. First, my grades. Second, the way I've been acting lately (cause I really can't figure that one out) and third, the weather. But hey, I can only do so much. I'm looking at this year as sort of the Year of Opportunities (key theme music). 15 Minutes +, the possiblity of filming a movie in Ireland - all these things that I have to look forward to.
And yeah, last year was a big ol' hell full of friends who didn't give a shit about me and I didn't realize it until it was too late (i.e. I didn't realize it until this summer). Sure, I'm still polite and friendly, cause that's the person I am. But whatever our friendships were, we lost. Maybe, one day, we might get them back. I'm not going to hold my breath for it. I spent too many Friday and Saturday's, sitting around my house, waiting for the phone to ring, with one of my "best friends" asking me to go to a movie, or to come hang out, sleepover, whatever. Sometimes I wished they would have a horrible day, just so they'd call me for advice or an ear to listen. But they never did. I never realized it, and I still don't know the complete truth, but they lied to me left and right about almost everything. Sometimes I look at them and wonder how the hell we stopped being friends, and where the hell our friendships went. Other times I look at them, and then myself, and wonder if I was so damn blind that I saw nothing. It's not an either/or situation. I'm right in both aspects. I was lied to, but I was blind about everything. I heard about what my friends did over the weekend, because they'd either lie to me about it or just wouldn't tell me.
I meant this to be a long and meaningful post, and I got lazy. More later.
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