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no, this is not sarah (iamrah) wrote,
@ 2004-03-31 14:15:00
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    Current mood: lonely
    Current music:Miss You Love-Silverchair

    And everyone knows that something's wrong, but no body knows what's going on
    So, I was applying to Cal U the other day. I think I convinced Dylan to go there...he likes what they offer and he said it was cheaper than any other school he was looking at. So, Go Me if I got Dylan to go there. He's a cool kid. Younger than me, but cool just the same and if I can get more people to go with me, the easier it will be for me. See, I think that people look at me and think that I make friends easily and that I'm just this happy go lucky, bubbly girl....I try to be, but I'm really not. I don't deal well with change, that's what my mom tells me and I guess she would know better than anyone seeing as how she's been around all my 20 long years of life. I just have these fears of not having friends and of being alone. Probably a little more than I really should, since there really isn't anything wrong with me and I can make friends and connect with people. And once I make friends, I'm there for them, no matter what. So, this is probably some deeply routed psychological problem....maybe centered around my parents splitting up?

    I haven't talked about my parents in a long, long time. Actually, I never really talked that much about it. Like there are times when I will vent about it and how my dad walked out on us and fucked all of us up. But I never really talk about how it makes me feel. I think part of me never really forgave my dad and part of me never will forgive him completely. But at the same time, it's like, he's my dad no matter what. Ya know? But, it's hard, because he walked out on my family...he left my mom after 25 years because he had an affair. And I feel like a traitor when I talk to him. I don't want to hurt my mom because she stayed...she didn't run away like he did. And now, he really wants me to come home and live with him over the summer and you know even if I really wanted to, I could NEVER do that because it would destroy my mom.

    I keep saying that I don't wanna live with him. And a big part of me doesn't. But a small part of me would like to see my dad on a more regular basis. Is that bad? Does that make me a horrible person? It probably doesn't make me terrible, but it sure as hell feels like I'm a sucky person. My dad is different than my mom though. My momo is fabulous and so much fun. And she can talk about anything. She is so determined and loving and wonderful. My dad is conservative and very business-esque...probably because he works for the state. But they are both my parents and their blood flows through me. Parts of each of them are in me and I should be able to talk to both of them without feeling like an asshole.

    I have had this sickness for like two to three weeks. And today me and Bizzer decided there is a plague going around, because my little brother called me to tell me he is sick now. I told him to make sure my mom takes him to the doctor because like I said, I've been sick and I'm still sick. See I can't go to the doctor because I don't have medical insurance right now. I'm supposed to be on my dad's medical, but I'm not because I'm not a full time student because I got fucked over when I registered for classes. So I told Bizzer that I can't go to the doctor so I will die for everyone else to live...kind of like a ghetto jesus. She thought it was amusing.

    That reminds me of Tanisha. This girl came to class high the other day and stood in front of me asking me if I could tell. Can I tell when you are standing there laughing for no reason...umm yeah hunny I can tell. We also had a map quiz (I hate geography class...makes me feel like my 20 year old self is in middle school all over again, but like I said, I got fucked over when I registered for classes). So usually I print out a map and we just cheat because it's such a pointless class. So anyway, I start telling the slightly stoned Tanisha how I got my map because my printer is out of color ink and for some fucked up reason it won't print anything even if it's black and white. And how I got my map was by tracing it off my computer screen, which doesn't sound that amazing. The funny part is that my tracing paper was to think and I couldn't see through it to trace the islands. So, resourceful me uses a plastic baggie and then I trace the map from the baggie onto the tracing paper. Tanisha starts cracking up and goes..."Damn, you are the Lara Croft of the projects." Which in turn cracks me up, which cracks her up even more. So we take our quiz and she hands her paper in and like gets stuck at the front of the room and just starts cracking up. She makes her way back to her seat and looks at me and is like "Sarah, don't let me leave my seat again til class is over." Which I didn't. Even though there were some more times when she just started cracking up for no reason while we were taking notes. It was amusing.

    I don't want to talk to you anymore
    I'm afraid of what I might say
    I bite my tongue everytime you come around
    Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
    Hand over my heart I swear I've tried everything I could
    Within all my power two weeks and one hour
    I slaved and now I've got nothing to show
    Oh if only you'd grow taller than a brick wall
    From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath
    When you come around and you flex that fake grin
    Cause something inside of me has said more than twice
    That breathing less air beats breathing you at all
    I don't want to talk to you anymore
    I'm afraid of what I might say
    I bite my tongue everytime you come around
    Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
    Hand over my mouth I'm earning the right to my silence
    In quiet discerning between ego and timing
    Good judgement is once again proving to me that it's
    Still worth it's weight in gold
    From now on I'm gonna be so much more wary
    When you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil
    That seeing you is like pulling teeth
    And hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil
    I don't want to talk to you anymore
    I'm afraid of what I might say
    I bite my tongue everytime you come around
    Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
    High fives to a better judgement
    By saying less today I will gain more
    Low twos to you my fickle friend
    Who brought the art of silent war

    I thought we were friends. Didn't you make that perfectly clear that you still wanted to be friends? Yeah, well I heard that before. I just thought that you were different. I thought I knew you well enough to know that you were telling me the truth. But obviously I didn't know you well enough to know that you were lying. And you know what is really fucked up about it? I still wish we talked...I actually miss you. Not in that way, just in a friendly we can talk about like practically anything but you threw it away for some fucked up reason. That makes me feel like we were never realy friends. Makes me feel like shit actually. Why am I always so niave? Why can't I just learn that people lie and let you down and don't give it a second thought?

    I always think about that night. When I just wanted to hang out with you and you blew me off only to call me later for a fuckin drunken hookup. And then you had the nerve to freak out on me? Why? Because you are kind of sort of seeing this girl? Fuck you. I just wanted to talk to you, to cuddle with you. I'm not a whore...I wasn't going to have sex with you. I didn't need that drama at 4 in the morning after I had been drinking since like 8 or something. I just wanted to hang out. You make it seem like it's my fault. Like I made you call me, or like me, or whatever. And then you have the nerve to say that I shouldn't have let you kiss me. Umm, I did like you. Why would I not let you kiss me? I wanted that at that time more than anything in the world and now I wish it hadn't happened.

    Do you know what this has done to me? I'm so fucked up now. And a big part of it is because of you. You may not think that's fair, but is it fair for me to feel so shitty all the time? It took me so long to forget about you in that way. And it took all of everything that I had in me to not let myself feel like total and absolute shit that night. But, now everyday I think about it. And wonder why I just wasn't good enough for you. I don't want you anymore, I don't hold you up that high anymore. How could I? I wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend and now I'm not good enough to be even your friend. Do you remember when we used to talk till the early early morning about absolutely nothing? Or when you asked me for my number because you said that you couldn't go all Christmas break without talking to me? Don't I matter at all? Fuck that.

    I just thought you were better than that. I thought both of us were mature enough to put that shit behind us and just focus on being friends. I guess it was all just bull shit. Whatever.

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