Evil Genius (hidepersephone) wrote, @ 2005-03-07 10:35:00

drowning
What the fuck is going on?

Where am I?

WHAT AM I DOING?
fucking up... that's what.

I can't make it to my classes... hell... I can't even make it into the shower. I just sit here... fucking numb... with a head full or racing thoughts.

The truth is I have successfully shut myself off from every person I ever had a connection with, and now I have achieved the isolation I desired, but it isn't what I wanted. Now I need someone to talk to me because all I can hear is my self screaming away at myself in my head.

All I can do is cry.

It all seems so awful... because it just compounds. I am depressed so I miss class... missing class makes me feel behind... which makes my depression worse... which makes me think I should just kill myself.
I keep thinking "medical leave of absence" but you need a doctor for that... and I don't have a doctor. I dove into the only crack I could find to get myself out of the health care system with its revolving hospitalizations it had in store for me... and right now I fucking regret it.
I want to be able to whimper and gently protests about finding myself sitting on some unit for a week doing crossword puzzles and reading a novel or two... that's all I'm asking... a week... where everyone has to be nice to me because I'm fucking fragile goddamn it.
Ignore my true hatred of hospitals and being stripped of all my autonomy and told that I am insane.
I just want to rest. I am so fucking on guard and stressed out and suicidal and yet desperately clinging to life... I can hardly take it.

I hate being crazy.
I hate being myself.

	spudella 2005-03-27 20:02 (link)
	mea- if you need someone to talk to electronically- i am always here. you can't distance yourself from us lot completely you know! thinking of you, XsX (Reply to this) (Thread)