| Current mood: |  melancholy |
It's not over (yet) 'till the film stops rolling
I have only a few weeks or so and I'm off to the real world. (Well, I'm almost there. Almost. If I pass the comprehensives and finish all of these requirements, yes. If I screw up, I have another year to commit suicide. O_o;;) The idea of the "real world" sends nervous ticks all over me. Things will never be the same. I have no choice but to move forward. I have to go out there and make it on my own. In a few months, I will join the labor force, meet new people and receive my first paycheck.
It bothers me that I didn't seem to change (that much) all over the years. Other people seem to have moved on with their lives and I, still living in the past tense. A lot of things have happened. In the process I've hurt some people and they hurt me, I've met new people, I've lost a dear friend, I've screwed up my lines, I've missed that crucial bus ride, and I've had LBM the other day...Things seem to happen too fast, you wish you could control it with a remote and say "Pause!" I'm not ready yet! May kulang pa ako. Kailangan ko pang gawin ito! 'Wag! Di dapat ganun 'yung nangyari! Puwedeng Pause? or scream "Cut! Take two!" or "Wait! I forgot my line!" And then re-take the scene and edit it. But no. You just can't stay stop or pause, you have no choice but to get into the flow of things.
People and things come and go---too fast. It's just one of these days that I wanted to go back and ride that swing again. I want to watch the leaves fall and walk in the rain without any worries. I want to be with my friends again and laugh with them. I want to share my baon again with my childhood friend. I want to go to the beach with my family again (in one of those outings, eat barbeque, swim, carry those huge black salbabida with us and build sandcastles).
But I can't push rewind and bring back the good ol' days. Sigh...there's my memory bank.
The older I get, the sadder I become.
Time is too short...and I feel that every minute of the day is so dear. I feel that I have to settle some unresolved issues once and for all. For now, my mission in life is to make my life meaningful and actually live it. (Marami akong maling nagawa, at marami na talaga akong pinagsisisihan---but...I can't trade my happy memories just to alter my mistakes and erase those bad ones.) It's hard to keep up with that promise because I have yet to deal with myself (which is the biggest challenge of all) and of course, find a job. (Sigh, nakailang beses ba akong ilista ang mga misyon na ito?)
And...how could I have forgotten? The one. Meron ba talaga nito? I no longer waste my time thinking if he exist. Well, if he does exist, sana hindi na siya maligaw, sana makita niya ako bago pa ako mawala. At kung nakita na nga niya ako, sana pareho na kaming mauntog sa pader at matauhan. Dahil siguro, pareho lang kaming naliligaw at nagmumukhang tanga. Hahaha. Tingnan mo nga naman, nagbabakasakaling baka totoo pa ang konsepto na 'to.
And the film keeps rolling. I wonder what scenes are next? Surely there would be no cuts, and no alterations. Everything happens without a script to follow by. The taping as we all know is still ongoing. It never stops, even if your part is over.
------------------------------------------
Malapit na rin akong makakabawi, konting-konti na lang! @_@;; I've yet to start reading my dailies again.
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