|Current mood:|| moody|
Please Dear God Help Me
I have a sensitive side. I am one of those few men who will actually cry. I did some of that yesterday. More than once. Three times, with three different people.
I went to see Nat. I missed not being able to see her everyday like I had been. That's what new relationships do to people I guess. I don't even remember anymore...um well we definitely had a good time together. At least for a while that was. Until something came up. I could see it in your eyes and it hurt. The feeling of disbelief I've learned to deal with over the past eight or so months. I've lost count at this point. I couldn't say it back, the one time in my life I couldn't say it back. She thought it was because of Sadie...I wish things were that easy. I ended up telling her something I haven't told but one person. I saw the tear come down her cheek and it killed me to know I did that. I don't know how she feels about me right now...I don't even know if she truly wants to be with me anymore. I don't know. I wouldn't blame her if she said fuck you and moved on.
So I came in and ended up falling asleep on the couch with Iris and Rudy in my arms. That's when I heard this ungodly scream that woke me up. I went outside to find Ewan sitting in the grass. We had a long talk. We talked for hours upon hours. I ended up crying some as we talked even. Memories arose, both good and bad. It wasn't all tears though, we ended up laughing a lot also.
I ended up talking to my mum over some tea. That's when I just broke down and bawled in her arms. I bawled. I haven't cried so hard in my entire life. She just listened to me like she always does and tried to give me some kind words. As I wiped my eyes I went and watched my kids sleep. I don't know how long it actually was but it felt like forever.
Then as I went into my room I decided to get online and check my email. I ended up talking to Keri. I didn't let on that anything was bothering me. I know she told me I could talk to her about anything but I know she has a lot to deal with right now. I also couldn't bare to cry anymore.
Though I did after I stopped talking with her. The tears burned as they covered my face. I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Who would have thought it, a man who feeling overwhelm him. What a concept.
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|It always protects, always trusts |
I've never been very good at words ... no I take that back ... I'm not very good at love. I have only truly loved one other man in my life and that was Hayden. I know now that Jason was a way to cut my ties with Hay. I realized. Hayden and I have ties that will always be there. Best friends but never lovers again. I guess more than anyone else I can understand where you are coming from at least from my perspective.
Jude you can’t control who you love it just doesn’t work that way. Life would be so much easier if it were. I don’t know what is in your heart I only know what is in mine. How you could think I could turn off my emotions for you, tell you to fuck off … I’m not a faucet.
I’ve only been intimate with three men in my life. I maybe young and I maybe inexperienced but I know what I want. I also know what I don’t want.
I don’t want to be with you if you are always going to want to be with that other person. I couldn’t deal with that. God help me I do love you and I do want to be with you. I came back to be with you and the kids.
So I’ll be here a day or two and if I haven’t heard from you then I’ll leave go back to LA and house sit Hayden’s house until we film in January.
You don’t know how many times I’ve gotten in the car to come to you I got half way there once but I turned around. I need you to be sure of what you want … no who you want.
I realize this might seem odd coming from a Jewish girl but:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
Always hopes, always perseveres.
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