Marie (heart_paperthin) wrote, @ 2009-02-20 14:59:00

I find that my feelings are the most honest at that thin smokey line between sleep and being awake. Feelings are no longer accompanied by thoughts during that time. They are pure, unrestrained, and all consuming.
Lately, I've been terrified. Not only of leaving, but being the farthest away that I can be without leaving the country. Not only being the farthest way, but the farthest away and entirely alone.
However, I wake up in the late afternoon, the vertigo dissipates and I realize that I've felt this way for a couple years now; I am that thin smokey line between sleep and being awake. I need to choose one over the other.
I used to have my mother to turn to.
I had to tell her twice that my grandmother has died.
If she's incapable of retaining information of that magnitude, how could I ask her to listen to my pathetic concerns?
My sisters, my aunts, even my best friend, yawn when I open my mouth. Yet they feel they can pass judgement when I begin to stumble in the streets in search for something greater, something that listens.

I'm struggling now, but I perfer the struggle against being docile; being sessile; attached to one spot.
I was recently told to stop helping my family and by people that are entirely dependant on their families. The hypocricy made me gag, the irony floored me. Now, I'm just going to get up and walk away, because the humor is likely to kill me.
I need out of this radius and to float about in even greater circles.
The circle used to be the shape that scared me most. I've accepted it since. Life is one huge repeating round-about. The world is what you make it, and mine is meaningless. I mean that in positive terms of course. Meaningless, so I'm going to get out there and do whatever the fuck I want until I'm meaninglessly rotting in the meaningless ground. Inbetween I will find some personal truths. Something that is my own that will help me cope with the empty. What's so wrong with empty? I will not embrace a religion in order to fight it off; in order to cope with the loneliness. I will embrace the void; I will run with it; turn it inside out; wear it over my body.
What difference does it make that all emotions are just chemical reactions that evolved over millions of years to help one survive and reproduce? Round-about. Be with whatever person makes those reactions the most intense. Release those endorphins; get that high; go through that withdrawl when they leave you, and then do it all over again. Round-about.
Relish in the void; I will frolic in it.

"Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!" - Kurt Vonnegut

if you're still alive jenilyn 2009-02-24 15:53 (link)

Perhaps in that fuzziness of being asleep and awake you've mistaken yawning for caution. And this judgement they pass, maybe it's been misconstrued. maybe it's pointing to that something greater you're looking for. Your defenses are so high it can be hard to talk to you. It makes it very difficult for anyone to be open or helpful in a gentle way. If you're looking for something more my hope is that you'll let your guard down in the future. Instead of looking for any help in answers, hypocritical as they may seem, you look to find fault with those providing them. I assume in someway this makes you feel less vulnerable. You will always be able to find fault with anyone that you meet, most of all with someone trying to help. But take a look at the answers people give you, and forget who they come from. A right answer doesn't always have to come from a right person. The best lessons to learn are the ones we don't like to. It takes courage to look at yourself and really see who you are. But everyone in your life will teach you a lesson if you look deeper. Its not always the bad one you assume. Perhaps there's a different way of looking at the same old advice. Embracing the loneliness sounds the same as embracing a religion. Neither are particularly helpful, but both give you a false sense of strength. I do agree its useless to try and fill an emptiness or to find something that helps you cope with it. A thorough examination is in order. Let the emptiness be there, be aware of it, and study it. Sometimes the amount of suffering you're in astonishes me. I wish I had the cure for it, but I have no cures. I was happy to hear you were going to california from the moment you told me. I though at the time I should feel jealous, left behind, slighted, betrayed etc. I didn't and don't feel any of that in the smallest amount. I want the same things for you that I want for myself, as much as I want it for myself. Perhaps more, but I have a hard time believing anyone wants something more for another than they do for themselves. There's a stone underneath community christian church with your name written on it in black permanent marker. When they were adding onto the church there was a dug out that was yet to be cemented as the foundation. The pastor had us write our name or the name of someone we love on the stone and throw it in as, I suppose a prayer of sorts. It was probably a prayer for truth or salvation or something like that. I no longer go to or believe in church, and I can't say I pray, but the sentiment is still the same. I'll be seeing you I expect soon, to exchange our things and perhaps talk a little. I never inteded on writing anything to you, but because they'll most likely go unsaid I'll write them right now. I harbor no anger or resentment toward you right now, nor have I since, I suppose you could say the disintegration of our relationship. I don't feel anything besides love and compassion for you, and the deep hope that you will find what you need where ever it may be. For all the things I know you think of me and all the things I've said that have made you feel that way, I stand by them. I hope one day you'll understand what has happened. When you do, you should smile. And you should smile now if you've understood all of what I've said. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: if you're still alive heart_paperthin 2009-02-24 17:49 (link)

Find me a person that's okay with hearing advise from someone that desperately needs to take their own words into their own hearts. We've been drifting apart, there is no doubt about that, so perhaps in the intermedium you've changed. You're back at school, and I'm not sure what your plan is but I hope its taking you to where you want to be. Unless that is, you no longer desire that path and you've choosen another. Who can say really? Even before these past two months, I was being forced to live life without you. You wouldn't leave your room unless Mike was home or I begged you for hours to do something. We used to want the same things, and we used to like the same things. I used to be alright with pulling your arm along behind me, but it became something like a chore, something I didn't enjoy doing in order to spend time with the only person I cared about. I've felt that you haven't been there for me in a very long time and the last straw was your intolerance to my situation. Maybe I don't mean intolerance, but you were cold. Hell, maybe it's the same situation over and over again, but it's my life that I'm living every day and as I best friend I needed you there to understand, or atleast to pretend to understand. I've broken recently and this is all I have. What could you possibly understand? I know part of me lets my family hold me back, of that I am aware, but another part of me was letting you hold me here. My mom is sick and scared. She's told me repeatedly that I am the only part of her sanity that's left. How will she hold up without me? I never wanted to take the chance to find out. You have a mother that appears to be unbalanced, but she isnt at all. She can stand on her own and you take her for granted. Do you ever wonder why it is that you don't know my family? Well, I don't just power down when I'm not standing infront of you. I'm beginning to wonder if you really know me at all. Since I was 16, we've lived in California together. Now I feel you never really had any intention of going, so I'm finally ready to leave. So I suppose I should thank you for that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: if you're still alive jenilyn 2009-02-24 20:05 (link)

I'm not sure the length of the intermedium you mean, but I can say I've been changing for quite a while now. I desperately needed to take the words I've since said to you into my own heart and I have. The past few months in particular, but the past year I would consider the most well spent of my life. We had a discussion once about how we didn't believe anyone could truely say they had no regrets. I suddenly know at this moment there is not one thing I regret or would change about my life. I actually feel thankful. It's a strange thing to feel that way. The largest thing you noticed about the change in me is my lack of desire to go out. I think you missinterpreted this. It's true, I don't enjoy going out all the time like I used to. I don't enjoy drinking like I used to. Not to say I never want to do these things and do on occasion, yes usually when mike is around because it's a way for him to see his friends. But I find my time is better spent in other ways, ways I find more rewarding. That doesn't mean I never wanted to spend time with you. It just seemed the only way you wanted to spend time with me was going out. I also found being around you made me act and think in the ways that I have been trying to leave behind. Sort of the way adults act like children around their parents. Your idea of being a friend and mine are different. Your interpretation of my intolerance for your situation is unfortunate. We had the conversation via text messages which comes off colder than it would have in person. I was not in any way trying to condemn you or make light of your situation. Had I more tact I suppose I could have done a better job of conveying my message. The things I said then are the same things I would say now, but they aren't said in a condescending, intolerant, cold manner. Only you can save you, that will always be my message. It is much more kind and loving than the sympathy you were looking for. Were I wiser perhaps I could have gotten this across to you in a way that didn't make you feel insulted and alone. I do understand suffering and I've suffered too. It seems you don't think anyone suffers as much as you do. This may be untrue, but this is how it is percieved. But reacting the way you wanted me to would never have helped you and it would have made me feel like I was doing something wrong. In the end, it did help you. The result was the breaking of our friendship, or perhaps, the divergence of our paths. Perhaps that's what we both needed. We've served our purpose in each other's lives and it's time to move on. There is a huge lesson in this. I would say there are a few huge lessons. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

apparently there's a character limit jenilyn 2009-02-24 20:05 (link)

In my opinion we've held each other back. There was a time when we both could have moved forward together. I did desperately want to go to california. You're right to say that I no longer wish for it. I don't feel like I need to go anywhere to be happy. And the thing is.. I am happy. I'm not in a state of bliss 100% of the time, but I wake up happy. I go to bed happy. I look outside at the snow and it makes me smile. I appreciate the life that I have and the life I intend for myself. They say life is beautiful and it sounds like an optimism's cliche. But it's true. Every day there is something beautiful to see and something new to learn about myself and other people. I finally feel like myself. The world and my circumstances are the same, but I am different. My mother is unbalanced, I think you know the truth of that. She can make it on her own in a certain sense and you're right, I do take her for granted. My mother is a good person and as of late I have taken a lot of steps to help her out and be a better daughter to her. However I would like to make it clear that she is one of the most miserable people alive and needs drugs almost every second of the day to make it through. She's a good person, but not a model of someone who truely stands on their own. I'm not sure what you mean by asking if I wonder why I don't know your family. I never thought you powered down when you weren't around me. I don't know why you would think that. You've always had a life seperate from me. I'm sure there are a multitude of things I don't know about you, but I know your nature. I believe it could be said I know it more than you do. But only because I know my own. Don't ever expect that anyone can know you and understand you the way you want them to. No one can. That's not a sad thing and the sooner you can accept it the happier you will be in your relationships. You haven't broken. You've already taken steps to do something you've always wanted to do, and on your own no less. But when you've suffered enough.. when you decide that you're done suffering and that you really want a way out.. there is one, and you'll find it. One step at a time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)