Marie (heart_paperthin) wrote, @ 2009-02-04 17:48:00

Current music:

smashing pumpkins//set the ray to jerry

While I think about him a little less these days, he's become this vauge outline in my life. Something made of shadows and haunting. I barely knew him, and those moments we shared I do not allow myself to think about. They were great, strong, true, and they are gone. So why torment myself with something that threatens to be so tangible? His presence is trailing infront of me every step of the way, and its enough. He was everything I wanted to be but hadn't the courage for. I both envied and hated how easy it was for him to pick up and go. He's met me before, and he's left me before in another state just as easy.
Look at me now; three weeks give or take and I'll be on my way across the country in search of experience.
I would have loved him.
I wasn't good enough. I was too hard and faithless. He needed soft waves and white button-ups. Sunshine and freckles. Gold sandals and ivy. I came with scars and t-shirts. Velcro shoes and rain.
Even after that week of agonizing want and uncertianty mixed with panic; ignored texts and my wordless goodbye, I would still drop everything and run to him. He took the thought out of the feeling. Chemical reactions became love letters through snailmail.
I felt it. His presence cut through the buildup and pulled me out.
Now I wrap the wool back around me and breathe in the dull.
What is he doing right now?
and does he ever miss me?
I can't believe I let myself care this much. It's been months, and I feel pathetic.

loveem 2009-02-14 23:04 (link)

just stopped by randomly, but i completely understand what you're feeling. i felt that way not too long ago... it took me months to move on to not cry and question everything, but now im moved on and can look back and laugh. and you're not pathetic. some people just come into your life and leave you. not for a reason not because your weren't good enough, just because it wasn't the way. i know it doesn't feel like it now but you will find someone better and you'll look back and laugh at these times and thoughts. sorry you feel so bad though. don't beat yourself up its okay to care and its okay that you let your self get hurt. its always better to try and get hurt then to never try at all. feel happier soon! :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

heart_paperthin 2009-02-15 02:17 (link)

hey, thanks alot. I really mean that. I'm kind of embarrassed though. I come here to whine really. Funny thing about this entry is that only three days later, I'm at a bar and out of nowhere there he is, staring at me from across the room. He moved out of state back in July, and was visting a friend here in Michigan where I live. He didn't even tell me he was coming back, and tried to hook up with me that night. and i'm sure you can tell that I'm entirely infatuated, but i was more angry with him, so nothing happened. Now I'm really beating myself up for letting fate pass me by by being such a jerk to him. He had a legitimate reason for not calling too, I told him I was moving across country weeks ago. I totally fucked everything up. GAH! It sucks to let go. I'm sooo stubborn, and now that he's reappeared, I'm going to have to whine for another 6 months. :) Thanks again for the kind words. It means more than you know. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)