| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | Miss You -Blink 182 |
sigh..
It's been really hard lately. Usually, the summer's really chill & laid back cause we're out of school drama but.. yeah.
Danielle used to be my best friend. I mean serious. She's just like me.. she USED to be just like me. We USED to be just liek each other. Then she started going out with Justino. Shes taking drugs, and having sex, and making bad choices and I know im really hyprocrytical cause I make bad choices too but I dont wanna loose someone I love to stuff like that and I mean I love her with my life.. and it hurts cause I know her.. and I know I cant talk to her about how I feel because she wont listen and I'm just like.. standing in the sidelines watching her throw her life away. She was pretty good when we first met and feel like in some ways I corrupted her because the path shes going down now is exactly how I used to want to be.. and I stand back now and im so happy I'm not. But at the same time it sucks that its happening to ppl I love and I cant do shit about. And shes changed like **Andre says Danielle is his best friend or w/e and she thinks its great that he confides in her more than me and since she thought me and Dre werent talking there wasnt a reason for me to be jealous of her and now that she knows me and him are talking.Shes trying to make there friendship all great agen so that I could be jealous or something** and I dont really mean it. But thats how it feels.. and shes been so evil to me.. and shes had an attitude. She doesnt call me anymore. And everynight I find myself crying b/c I love her and we are one of a kind. I miss her.. and it hurts.
And my ex-boyfriend. Andre. We went through sooooo much. SOOOO much. Today, I just realized I didnt love him anymore. But, I cant loose him because it'll hurt me so bad. Everytime we break up its just liek we go out cause we're still kissing and stuff but he has more feeling for me than I have for him. Thats the way its always has been. But it doesnt mean that I dnt care about him, because I do. I loved him sooo much. And even now I think about him a lot and stuff like that. I dont want him to be with anybody else. But I dont wanna be with him because when we go out he like forgets about me and all his other whores are all he cares about. It seems he cares more them than he does me. I used to have this image of him that he was the big pimp playa type or w/e and I was just beginning to get over it then yesturday he was like "ur so jealous.. i cant wait until u leave.. were not gonna b talkng when u come back" and stuff like that then.. he aplogized **Surprise surprise** cause I dragged him down to the river and i was soo mad at him cause on the way down there there was this girl passing in this car and he was like "damn! did u see her?!" And he was being a reaaaaally big ass.So I was like kicking him and beating him and hitting him and i threw him on da grass and shit. But down there it was weird. Today I realized that he only says stuff like that b/c he wants to get over me cause he thinks that i wont b with him and thats why he says the things he says like he cant wait 4 m e to leave jus cause he wants to get over me and he wants to stop talkng to that he CAN get over me but he's kinda addicted and he doesnt wanna let go @ the same time. And I dont want to let go of him. I know because when he told me that we werent gonna talk anymore I was crying my eyes out. But honestly, I feel like I dont want to be with him but if the only way to keep him by my side is to go out with him then I will. But it'll be different than before because I wont tell anyone. Its not like I have anyone to tell anyways..
I dont have very many friends right now. Liz and Kristin is basically it. Kris is always with Geva and Liz is in VA. Liz talks to me about a lot of her problems but I dont really know how to respond to them so.. I do the best I can. And I always wanna talk to her about mines because she listens really well and we're on the same page. For example.. we both miss the old Danielle. And we both dont understand how you can live your life high or stoned 24/7.
I'm not looking forward to high school at all. At all...
I cant wait to leave for the summer. I can't wait for Soccer camp with Krissy then leaving for StThomas. I love it down there. So much. I'm so fucking happy down there. SO. FUCKING.HAPPY. I would move down there but it's just so fucking boring *(*besides da beach*)* compared to down here. They get movies two months later and the mall is HORRIBLE. It's really not even a mall. But during the summer it's great. It keeps me sane. Maybe living down therw would just take away.
I just missed having a blurty. So, this is my first entry. Dear blurty. Thanks for listening :-)
Is there anyone out there. Cause its getting harder and harder to breath?
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