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Amber (halah) wrote,
@ 2003-05-24 02:16:00
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    I very needed to write.
    I have felt like shit all week. Needless to say, I had no idea how badly this would hurt. Angie says I should be really pissed off at him and consider never speaking to him again, as does Gene. I disagree. He had no way of knowing that his ex would show up again and from what he's said before, the only way he'll get over her is to get her out of his system. So, while that doesn't help my case at all, I can't be mad at him at all. I remember in 2001, I was dating Mike who I'd just met but I'd had a crush on BW for a very long time. Even though I was in a relationship with Mike, I cheated on him with BW anyways, just because I'd never move on until I had BW out of my system. I do know where he's coming from on this. I just hate that karma came back and put me in the opposite position.

    So, tomorrow I am going to PA for my cousin Ronnie's wedding. He's my first cousin, 3 years older than me. In the chronological line of cousins, I am next to get married. Looks like that won't be happening (not that I ever thought of it with F, just noting that it won't be happening in general.)

    Anyways. Just some thoughts. I hurt. But, I'm sure I'll be fine. I always am it seems. Not that it doesn't hurt. It was funny. Someone said, "But dude he wasn't your boyfriend (yet)". And I thought of the movie the Pest, when the dad shoots Himmel and he has a bullet proof vest on, and he looks at the dad who was bitching at him and says "Doesn't mean it doesn't huuuuurt". And I said that to that person but I can't remember who it was. Damn it.

    Anyways. This heartbreak thing may be a good diet. I've only been upset this badly two other times. Once in high school when my boyfriend of a year was cheating on me, and the othe with BW and Mike. It worked well.

    I guess my conclusion is this: All I can do now is be his friend if he'll let me and it seems he will. It may be rough, but easier doesn't always mean better.

    a bit of writing I did below********************************************************************

    Do I hate him? Nope, never will.

    Do I wish him harm? Just the opposite, I hope nothing but happiness finds him. I hope sunshine lights in his eyes and stars provide him with the protection of peace and darkness.

    I struggled to figure out what I am supposed to learn from losing him, if I'd ever really "had" him. What I found were difficult lessons to learn, however the greatest good came from looking at what I'd gained from finding him-and there are many things I've found.

    I found the voice that had long ben missing and consequently found the inspiration I needed to return to my love of writing.

    I found dreams that may never come true but are fun to hold on to.

    I found looking into someone's eyes even more gratifying than the actual sex.

    I found a reason to hope. I found that I need to keep my eyes open at all times and never to count anyone out without really getting to know them first.

    I found pain. Pain I thought I'd become incapable of feeling but apparently needed to be reminded of.


    I don't know. When I'm upset, I tend to look at the problem and ask, "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time and with almost any issue I can laugh and say "hell no it won't". Even with John and other guys I thought would be more of an impact on me I could, and I knew right away I would barely remember them in 5 years. I can't convince myself that some remnant of this won't still exist in 5 years.

    I don't know what to think of that yet.


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