|Current mood:|| aggravated|
|Current music:||The Cramps - Strychnine.|
where to start?...
last night me and annette had a rather long talk which made things sound like they were going to get better. but i was completely wrong. anyways, she was going to get a tattoo today, and she blatently told me that it was a me and her thing, she failed to mention that brian was going to come along. well i walked all the way to her house, and everything was cool, we looked at clothes, watched bella morte videos, and talked, but then she tells me brian is going to go with her to the bella morte show at hell, and that he's on his way over. at that point my mood changed completly. then 5 minutes later he gets there and i just sat as i always do when he's there, and said nothing. then she was starting to the anti-eric talk, without actuall saying it. how she can't have fun anymore, cause im miserable. so she said she was going to let me and brian take the bus home, (as if he'd leave) and she was going to do something by herself. so i got and said i'll make it easier and just leave now. so i got up and left. i then waked 15 feet down street before she came out and he started talking, and again i get labeled as asshole again, because i "didnt get my way". its not that, i can't have fun at all if he's going to be there. so i just figure its best if i leave. i dont want to make everyone else miserable, so im the martyr and i leave. i walked towards mobile, turned around and started walking toward dyer ave, then i turned around again, and doug drove by and offered me a ride, so i gladly took it, he brought me home and gave me a few cigarettes which was wicked cool of him. i dont care he's cool. so now im going to just wait for netty to come online, and see what happens now, im sick of this game. you cant have your cake and it it too.
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I don't even know what to say to you anymore eric. I do not try to have my cake and eat it to. You told me in your first note... "no matter what happens i'll always be here for you as at least a friend"|
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I have tried all this time to maintain that under the most uncomfortable circumstances. Eric i don't know what you want me to do. If there was an easier way i'd do it. I wish you would'nt hurt anymore so bad. I can't do that to Bryan. I know he cares about me and i care about him. With you I'd never be 'sure' of it. You get sick of things in like 2.084635 of a second. I coulnd'nt fuck up what i feel i could have, like permanance, from Bryan. You know it Eric. You would do to me what you do to everyTHING else. Give it away, throw it away, get sick of it, take it for granted. You are the biggest goth i know, yes. Not just for your fashion sense, or taste in music. Now you've even lived up to that, heartless, cold, arrogant, and bitchy stereotype. You are so mean to people once you don't care for them anymore. I see a diffrent side maybe... because there are so many things we have in common, i really truly like and love you as a friend. I stay away because i hope i'm never one of those thrown out friends you have. If you don't get sick of me maybe i'll stay close to you as funny as that sounds. I have always thought that. I really wish if i hadn't know you better we could have seen what it would be like, but we both know that wouldn't last anyway. You have a good way with words and i know you have been using them wisely to get what you want out of this situation. I'm so sorry i know better and i know that if once you had me you wouldnt want me anymore. I cried that night not only for Erin but because i saw the side of you i hoped i would never see. Completely drained of compassion. You had none for her whatsoever. I won't be that. She didn't deserve that. And by the way, i based my desicion on your 'reaction' to that situation. i can't even think of how to end this... i just know that, this conversation is OVER. my friend or not, you choose.
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annette, even after everything, i still wouldnt bail on you as a friend, and as a friend, im hurt, and as a person im hurt. first off you two dont even tell m your dating in the begining, billy tells me. then you say "oh i wouldnt call it going out". and if your basing any judgmenton erin, then fuck it, thats dumb. i had no comapassion for erin yes, because i didnt even like her, let alone in love with her. and you speak of brian and his permenance, fuck him, i he dies, permently. thanks for the goth lable i guess, i dont think im any of those things to an extrme whereas they'de lable me goth, but thanks anyways. and i wouldnt get sick of you, you, something i worked at for a year, but then had violently snatched away from me from |brian. whatever you think what you want, but you find yourself married to this moron, watching boulders gate or smackdown every night, not enjoying your life and bring him to bella morte shows, and yes ive decided that i am going to go, but dont expect me to talk andhang out if he's there. im sorry for all this, but its getting to a point where i think about you and think of all the time we spent together and i really want to commit suicide. i hope you know you did make the wrongchoice, and im not sure how much more i can view of it.
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