em (grayeyes) wrote, @ 2005-07-07 01:59:00

I miss you, Blurty, you stupid jerk.

I feel so tied to you because so much of myself has been left in this damn journal but you frustrate me. You're slow. When you load at all. I'm a child of the 90's and not inclined to wait. Neither is anyone else, it seems, since most of the people on my friends list have abandoned you for your big bad cousin LiveJournal. Which I hate.

Man, B, I'm looking forward to a time when people can ask me what's new, what's been going on and I can say, "Mm, nothing much" and mean it for more than a few months.

My friend Graham died a little over a week ago. I'm over talking about it since I'm tired of feeling like a fragile, weepy girl and then talking to people about my fragile, weepy girlness. Some days are better than others. The days that I don't see Morwenna (his fiancé), for example, are fine. While days that I do see her -- which has been every day lately -- find me in tears at least once. How long do you grieve for someone you've lost? A week? A month? Forever? And why do people tell you to be happy for them or think that "he's in a better place" is in any way comforting? It's fucking not. Shut up. These last few weeks have been so so sad but really amazing. For the first five days after I heard, I shut myself off from the world; I couldn't deal with sharing my grief. When I finally emerged from my cocoon of sorrow on Wednesday night I was greeted with tears and bearhugs and an overwhelming feeling of closeness to the rest of my friends and I almost regretted closing myself off from them for so long.

So that happened.

My uncle has cancer. Super duper progressed and metastasized, apparently, like Suzi's was last year. Plus he doesn't have health insurance. Sixty years old and no health insurance. Nice, John. Responsibility was never one of his strengths.

So there's that too.

I dunno. It's not all bad. It's mostly good, in fact, it's just those few really bad things that kind of cast a shadow over everything else.


I just thought I should update you, Blurty, on the goings on in my life. So there you go.


Blurty friends, I still read you. Just so you know.

	psyclone 2005-07-07 04:25 (link)
	You know em, I think this might be the most 'real' entry you've ever posted. I'm sorry to hear about your friend and your uncle. Grieving takes as long as you need it to take. Not a moment too long, or too short, and it's different for everyone. Don't feel sad about feeling sad. Sadness is just another emotion in your grand poem of life. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	grayeyes 2005-07-07 08:22 (link)
	is it? what about it made it so 'real' to you? just curious. and thanks. I keep reminding myself that everyone grieves differently but you know ... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: psyclone 2005-07-07 12:04 (link)
	Not sure. It might be that this was more of a sad post than an angry one... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

largemarj 2005-07-07 09:26 (link)

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. It must be overwhelming having to deal with all that....dealing with the pain in life. No advice from me. Just know that I'm thinking about ya. I don't know if this will help, but here's a blog that I read on occasion (Death Maiden). She's a nurse that deals with death and dying issues. Very enlightening stuff - and a lot of people post thought-provoking comments. Maybe it will help you as you explore your feelings. Take care, my friend... M. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	highverbalfan 2005-07-13 08:55 (link)
	I had a feeling I'd find you here. :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: grayeyes 2005-07-13 11:05 (link)
	what's that supposed to mean? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)