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This Monkeys Gone To Heaven (godis7) wrote,
@ 2003-09-25 21:13:00
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    Current mood: accomplished

    Sam will kill him if he tries anything
    The very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire are hilarious. If you aren't a Lord of the RIngs fan they are probably stpid and boring but I love them and I am bored so I am gonna go my favorite lines from them..




    ARAGORNDay Eleven:

    Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

    Legolas may be hotter than me.
    I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
    Day 28:

    Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
    Still not King.

    Day 30:

    In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

    Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.
    Took a shower. Yay!
    But still not King.

    Day 32:

    Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

    Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

    I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

    Nope, not King.
    Day 33:

    Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

    Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
    Not so sure about Gimli either.
    RIP Boromir.
    Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
    ************************************************************************************************
    LEGOLAS

    Day Eleven:


    In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

    Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

    I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

    Still prettiest by far.

    Day 35:

    Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.

    Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

    Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
    *************************************************************************************************************************
    BOROMIR
    Day One:

    Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.

    Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

    Ooops.

    Day Three:

    Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

    Day Four:

    Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...

    Stupid Ring.

    Day Four:

    Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

    Ha Ha! Ha!

    Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

    Day Six:

    Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

    Blatant favoritism most annoying.
    *************************************************************************************************
    FRODO

    Day One:

    Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

    Day Six:

    Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

    He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

    Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

    Day Eleven:

    Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.

    Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

    Day 24 :

    Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

    Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

    Day 27 :

    Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
    *************************************************************************************************
    SAM

    Day Three:

    Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

    Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

    Day Nine:

    Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.
    *******************************************************************************************
    GANDALF



    Day One:

    In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

    Day Twelve:

    Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

    Day Thirteen :

    Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

    Day Sixteen :

    Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

    Day Twenty-Five :

    Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

    Day Twenty-Six:

    In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

    Day Twenty-Seven:

    Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
    ********************************************************************************************
    SARUMAN

    DAY NINE

    Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.

    DAY THIRTEEN

    Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

    DAY FOURTEEN

    All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.



    DAY FIFTEEN

    Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
    ****************************************************************************************8
    PIPPIN

    DAY THIRTEEN

    Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn’s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.

    Aragorn still hasn’t washed his hair.

    DAY FIFTEEN

    Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.

    DAY TWENTY

    Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.

    Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.

    DAY THIRTY

    Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.

    Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
    ************************************************************************************************
    GIMLI

    DAY THIRTEEN

    V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That’s right, Isildur’s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.

    DAY FIFTEEN

    Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
    ********************************************************************************************
    MERRY

    DAY ONE

    Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when “washing dishes” punishment followed by “polishing Gandalf’s staff” punishment and “massaging Gandalf’s feet” punishment and “nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch” punishment, I mean, who’s he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing.



    DAY SEVEN

    In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.

    DAY NINETEEN

    Am in bad mood. Boromir called me “Pippin” at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.

    DAY THIRTY

    Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.

    THE NEXT ONES ARE FROM THE TWO TOWERS

    LEGOLAS



    Day Eleven: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

    Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

    Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?

    Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

    Note to self: never date Gandalf.

    Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.

    Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

    Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.

    ************************************************************************************************
    ARAGORN

    Day Twelve

    Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

    Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

    Day Fourteen

    Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.



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