| Current mood: |  okay |
| Current music: | The Ground We Stand On - Hawksley Workman |
how's it going to be
I'd love to say that I am not into vanity, at all. That I am happy in my own body, glad that I have that gigantic chin, and happy with my tiny brown eyes. It's just ordinary girl freako phobia, if you know what I mean. But I am at the age now where it almost ceases to matter. It's not like I've got more growing to do (god, I hope not) and it's not like anything is going to change on the landscape that is my body.
Sometimes, though. I see the young Gish in there. Sassy looking, and able to take you on, no problem.
But then I remember where I am, who I am, and the little girl comes back. Where I always feel a little lost, as if the winter coat I am wearing is too big for me, and I am swimming inside. Weird, I know. But that is the kind of thing that goes on in my head sometimes.
Being the age I am now, I find it hard to nail down how I would be in a real relationship. Gone are my careful ideas and poses. It's all been stripped bare. And while I would like to say that I would be an awesome girlfriend/partner/wife, who knows if that would be true. I'd still have my own little insecurities, I'd still be, essentially....Gish.
If you know what I mean.
I scare people with my passion for emotion, I know this. But I figure if they are too chicken for that sort of thing, too bad. Life is too short to play the safe way. Wake up next to me, and you might find a little post-it note on your windshield saying "Hope you have a kickass day". Or I might get it in my head we should have more picnics or motorcycle rides on the backroads. I'd be the one to suggest wading through waist high field grass, to lay down and neck like teenagers, maybe even make love where no one can see. Either the damp grass under us, or the sun shining on our bare skin.
If you're my lover, I wouldn't be shy about my body with you, because I'd presume you would already be accepting of me, and think I'm awesome. Giggling in bed like two teenagers over a dirty joke, stealing the covers, or being the nice one and warming up the bed for the other on a cold winter's night.
I wouldn't cook, but I might make an effort for the simpler things like coffee and eggs in bed. I'd probably be all about you, but still want my private time, in my own space. I'd want you to be crazy in love with me, because I'd do the same. Or maybe I would just like for you to think I'm awesome, no matter how fucked up I can be sometimes. Be non-judgmental towards me, know we all have our own faults. I won't put you on some pedestal because I'd want your mouth near mine, not somewhere up in the sky. And that method never worked for me in the past.
We'd cook dinner together, or maybe order in. Maybe watch trash t.v. Take our dogs for walks in the quiet parks. My terrier would want to bite the geese. Or maybe he'd be grown up by then, and just walk complacently along.
Then at the end of the day, we'd fall into bed, the ordinary things that go along with that. Nightgowns, underwear, plain cotton panties. I would take a minute to study your eyes, just a habit. I like knowing what I have, in my hands.
I used to have these requirements for a boyfriend/partner. I wanted him to listen to specific music, watch certain movies, think the same way I did about art, living, or anything. I thought it was all in his shoes, or the way he looked at me when we first met. I thought it was *supposed* to be a certain way, and when it was, I'd know it. And I would fall in love, fast and hard like secret sex, but it doesn't really happen that way, I think now.
Probably, you meet someone and you like the cut of his jib, and he likes your face, and you go from there. Nothing earth shattering, which is disappointing, to me. I wanted it to be something that resonated through me like the sound of a cello. But I think maybe I wasn't built for that. I pay more attention to my friendships than my relationships these days, play it safe. lock my secret heart away, try to tamp down the emotion, because it's just not cool, baby.
Not trusting the ground that we stand on.
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