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tear it down (gasou1982) wrote,
@ 2003-10-02 00:53:00
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    Current mood:depressed
    Current music:dmb

    when will i get it right?
    i thought i would update this. im depressed. lately it seems i cant do anything right, and because of it, im hurting people for whom i care about. i dont know. what do i do? i try to change, but for some reason i always end up being the same old fucking loser. and i have no one to blame but myself. i try to fix it on my own, and of course, it gets me nowhere. i hate myself for this. ive been this way my whole life. and i cant stand it. i wish i could do things right. that would make things so much easier. i wish there was more time in the day to do things that i want to. a lot of times things end up taking a lot longer than i expect, or than they should. but i cant estimate that because i have no idea. and when they end up taking a lot longer, i feel horrible. but i cant do anything about it. then it ends up hurting the people i care about. which makes me feel worse. maybe i shouldnt be here. i dont know. its stupid to think that way, but these feelings get the best of me sometimes. i hate being wrong. i hate messing up. ive messed up my whole entire fucking life. at least ive been that by my peers in the past. but then those same people tell me to keep going. and now that things have changed in those instances, my feelings have not. its not easy being told for 20 years that u dont amount to anything. not by my parents, but of course, parents arent supposed to tell u those things are they? its the people that have the biggest influences on ur life. your friends. middle school, high school. they decide how they want to see u, and dont let u be urself. and if u are, then u get put down. what the fuck. since ive been in college, that hasnt happened. but i also havent been able to change. and it kills me. i hate myself so fucking much for it. and to sheree, i give my utmost respect. she has put up with my stupid bullshit for so long. and now i am worried that ive gone too far. i keep telling her i will change. and i want to. god knows i want to. but can i? i dont know. this is nothing that a quick cut wouldnt fix. but i cant do that. i would be missed. or would i? i know i would by a select few. but can i overcome all this? god i hope so. if i cant, i dont know how much longer i can take it. sheree, if u read this, i know it doesnt change things. im not asking it to. i just want to say im sorry. sorry for putting u through so much of my shit. i wont give up. i will continue to try to change. but i know that i dont deserve u. u are my stronghold. u are my rock. to lose u would be to lose my life. internally i mean. but i hate myself for putting u through bullshit u dont deserve. y cant i change? please tell me. anyone. help me. stop this pain within. its killing me. i know that there are people out there worse off than i am, but the thing is, this is the first time that ive had something that could work. and im so afraid that i will fuck it up, because thats all i am. i find ways. im jealous. im jealous of the people that have it so fucking great. fuck u all. u make me sick. walking around with everything being perfect. y cant i be like u? fuck u. y did i have to be made into this monster that cant control shit? y? i am not giving up. i refuse. but i know if i dont get my act together i will lose what i have been fighting for my whole life. my exsistence, my soul, my life, my love, my true love, my soul mate, my angel. are there angels? yes. i have one. but i might lose her. then where will be the white doves? the sweet music? the serenity? where? i dont know. all i know is that i have to change. fuck me. fuck me for being so retarted. fuck me for being so insurcure. fuck me for my faults. i hate this. sheree, i am sorry. sorry with all that i am. with all my heart and soul. i dont blame u for being mad at me. i really dont. i dont want sympathy with this entry. fuck sympathy. if u want to give me sympathy, kiss my ass. this is me. this is the loser. this is the life of a loser. im living it. fuck me. sheree....please forgive me. u are my angel. u are my life. u are my soul. u are my existance. my angel. my angel. im not asking for forgiveness right now. im not asking for it a week or month or year from now. but i am asking for it. sometime. without u i am nothing. it sucks cause i have only realized it after fucking up. thats when u realize what u have. when u fuck it up, and lose it. or come close to it. im shaking. im broken. im useless. sheree, i love u girl. u are my everything. im sorry. this is long enough. i hope u read it. i know it wont solve anything. but maybe? i doubt it, but i need to vent. there is no one to talk to. not person to person. no one to help person to person. ill end with this, like ive said before. sheree, i love u. i love u i love u i love u. more than life itself. i would die for u. i would kill for u. i would die by the hands of anyone to protect u. u are my angel. my white doves. my sweet music. my life. my exsitence. my soul. my heart. i love u.

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2003-10-02 01:26 (link)
*tears* Richard. You know richard.. 1 once in my life.. i don't know what to say??? i love you . you need to talk to me. You really need to talk to me. I will advise you also to go back and edit this entry and on the bottom make it friends only. U don't want others to find this and read.. INCLUDING YOUR RENTS.. I love you baby. call me please

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