| Current mood: |  numb |
| Current music: | dead poetic x tell myself goodbye |
extremely long, whiny entry
I'm going slowly insane.
Each day it builds up just a little more, a little more.
Every night when i go to bed, i think about how empty i feel.
I make a very great effort to not regret anything in my life, because regret is a downer and it's a waste of time.
But i really regret taking this job so quickly. I wish i would have given it time. It was the first job i applied to, but because i'm afraid to let anything go, i lept into it without a second thought. I could have said, ok this is on my list but i don't want to leap into it. I want to look around and see what other options there are. And i'm sure he would have understood that. But i was so sure that this was some kind of dream job. It took working here to find out that it is SO not.
I'm not a techie. I'm not an advertising exec. I'm not a website technician.
I'm an artist.
And this is not art. I was lead to believe that i was being hired as a graphic designer. And all i do is sit here all day and interlink listings, and check site stats. It's bullshit. Even when i do get to make graphics, all i'm doing is getting some photos of some business, putting them together in a half-assed collage, slapping some text on it and uploading with some cookie-cutter site editor.
He always says we're going to start some big project. We never do.
I have to offer to make graphics for people on blurty or whatnot for free, just to feed the need i have within me to create. I have to enter online contests, or just make random graphics for myself.
Its the same thing every day. I wake up discusted with the fact that i have to get up so early in the morning just to sit and do nothing for 7 hours. I sit and clock-watch until noon when i go home, turn on Comedy Central and eat some ramen noodles. Then at 1 i come back and clock-watch until 4. It's like Dilbert, only not funny at all.
I actually miss high school. At least there was some variety in my day.
I wish i could quit. I wish i had the financial stability to quit. I wish i had the cajones. I have this absurd sense of loyality. Which is odd, considering i'm starting to really dislike my boss.
Everything about him irriates me. His voice grates on me. I just want to kick him in the teeth sometimes. Which is probably pretty typical, all things considered.
He's so goddamn excited about everything. This isn't that great. Its a fucking e-commerce site. Lewis & Clark is boring as far as i'm concerned.
And he expects me to care. He's always asking if i wanna come to the little company BBQ or some other equally stupid shit. Like i should be part of this little corporate geek family he's got going. I don't need a fucking family. I can barely stand the one i've got, why would i want another one. I don't wanna be pals. I just want to collect my paycheck and go home. I dont want my work to be my life unless i enjoy my work.
The only thing keeping me here is Cole. If i didn't have him, i would give up. I'd quit and move back to my parents' house. So considering that he doesnt really have any other choice but to attend school here, there is one good thing about this job. It brought me here and gave me a reason to move here, and be near him. But that's the only good thing about it.
I feel like i'm stuck. I'm unsatisfied, unfulfilled, empty, & numb.
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(Anonymous)
2003-10-20 23:14
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Your job sucks! :( I'm feeling your pain! Ahh!! ::Screams at the thought::
~Lydia(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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