Chris (fromgreentored) wrote, @ 2012-07-22 21:30:00

some sort of outlet
None of my friends see this which is good because I pretty much never have anything nice or fun to say about what's going on in my life/head, much less anything that I would even want my friends to know about anyway. I kinda just hate my life every day.

I know this is a public page so eventually some random person will see this. So if you are some random person that happened to stumble across this and can bear through reading about all my crying and bitching, I have a few questions.

How does one stop hating themselves so much?
Where does one get the motivation to actually put forth effort to improve their life?
How the hell do you meet new people, friends or otherwise?

The latter is the hardest thing for me. I'm not too happy with most of my friends. None of us have anything in common anymore except drinking and smoking. And now I'm thinking about quitting smoking weed. I ran out this weekend and was too lazy to go re-up. Plus I failed my plumbing test that I took Saturday morning so my school will be drug testing me shortly anyway.

I'm always happier when I'm with someone. But it's been so long now that I don't even know if that's still true. I do miss having someone around that cares about and for me though. And I miss being able to hold and fall asleep with someone that I care about and for. When I was with Ashley, all my insecurities didn't matter anymore. Lol, probably because she was so much more insecure than I was that I had no choice but to put mine aside. But I had someone to take care of and talk to. And she did the same for me.

I had a dream last night that I met someone while my band was playing out at some school for some reason. She was really pretty too and nice. We talked a lot and it was gonna go somewhere. I woke up probably twice in the night and really couldn't tell if it was a dream or not, I guess since I was half asleep. But this morning after I was up for a while, I knew it was just a dream.

How? How do you freakin' meet new people? Lady people preferably. I've tried a couple dating sites but I don't know. I can't talk to people seriously over the internet. Would much rather us mutually say, "You seem cool. Let's just meet up and see how it goes." Plus 99% of the people all live an hour or more away and I don't really want that. But then if I'm out somewhere, I can't ever just walk up to someone I think looks nice and start talking to them. I'm too socially awkward I guess. I'm terrible at holding conversations.

Earlier today I went to 7-11 to get some cigarettes and there was a lady in line in front of me. She was probably around my age, maybe a little older. As I was walking out I held the door for her since she was behind me and she saw I had a Monster that I had bought also. She said, "Hey, have you tried the red Amp drinks? They're pretty good if you like them." My first reaction honestly is, why the fuck are you talking to me about this? That's a stupid thing to say to somebody you don't know at all. I replied with, "No, I haven't. I'll definitely have to try some though." She said something else and I said yeah and then got in my car. It's shit like that that I have no idea what people's intentions are, or if I'm completely over analyzing it. Like, is that a situation that I could turn around to eventually get a number or something? Or is that just a random person making random conversation? I never know. And basically every time I just end it without saying much and go on my way.

A buddy of mine who I work with, Jeremy, is always talking to girls and gettin' numbers. And they're all pretty good looking too. Maybe not the type that I would be interested in because honestly, I'd like someone with more than just looks. A good personality will turn me on more than a nice body. But he has no problems walking up to random girls he thinks are hot and talking to them until he gets their number. I always wonder how he does it lol.

I've tried asking a couple of my girl friends like how a guy would be successful in picking them up and neither of them really gave me good answers. And I guess it all depends on the girl too. I think I'm just waiting for that small chance that me and a cool girl will stumble upon each other in some situation that forces us to converse for a few minutes, instead of purposefully trying to pick someone up. Like getting stuck in an elevator or bumping in to them and making them drop their books and picking them up for them like some shitty teenage high school movie. I've got no problem like trying to move in on someone that I've known and been friends with for a while. That's how almost all of my ex's came to be. I was friends with them first. But all the girls I know now are all taken by guys that I'm also good friends with. So I need to figure out how to meet some new people.

I know I'm not a bad lookin' dude. I'm independent. I've got my own car, house, and a really good paying full-time job. I'm good at playing bass and I'm in a cool band. I'm smart and can do pretty much anything needed physically or mentally. In my own opinion, I'm not a bad catch. And I think almost anyone would be happy to be with me if they got to know me. But I gotta find someone who wants to get to know me. And who I actually want to get to know too. This whole social barrier thing sucks though. I need to figure out how to get over that.

After Ashley left, I've really had a hard time believing that there's someone else out there that's as good as her or better. Granted she DEFINITELY had her flaws. We argued a lot about stupid shit because she was so insecure. She would cut herself. And cry about everything. And all that pissed me the fuck off so much. But I loved her for everything else she had. She really was one of the nicest people I had ever met. And she was smart and extremely beautiful. She had the most amazing eyes.. Good taste in clothing and music and humor. Even silly things like the sound of her voice, or the way she sat as she drove her car I was in love with. Looking back now though, I know I was way more into her than she was me. I think I was just like a filler until we split up and she found someone else. We split up after a big argument for a few weeks and she was already with someone else in that time. I've known her since we were 15 and I always remember hearing about her boyfriend back then. How many problems they always had and how they fought and split up all the time. But then they always got back together. When she left me on Christmas day, I always wondered why I wasn't good enough that she could come back with me too. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I was way more into her than she was me. And that was quite unfortunate.

I really don't think I'm bitter about it. I was for a long time after though. I've moved on for sure since then though. But is thinking that I'll never care about anyone else as much as I cared about her still considered being bitter? Or at least considered not being over her? I'd like to think not. I just think she had everything I ever looked for in a gal and she was one of a kind. They say there's plenty of fish in the sea but I'm not so sure sometimes. When I'm out places and I see girls there hanging out with their guy or their friends or whatever, none of them just ever seem appealing. Maybe I'm just judging them too much. But everyone just seems like a moron these days. All the girls are just brainless barbies getting beat by their asshole boyfriends who play Call of Duty too much.

I have a feeling that's all just due to my shitty perspective of society and life. Something else I should definitely work on.

Ashley always said to me, "You'll never be able to really love someone else until you start loving yourself first." I could have said the same to you, bitch.

Bitterness ^