JC "Kitten" Chasez (freakme_josh) wrote, @ 2003-03-16 21:39:00

Current mood:	indescribable
Current music:	linkin park - somewhere i belong

The fault is my own and the fault is my own...
*wipes at my face, folding the paper and leaving the note for Justin on the table in the entryway*


J -- Please forgive me. I'm not strong enough. All I can hear are your words echoing over and over, all I can think is that you tried to kill yourself because of me. My dreams last night were haunted with the images that those words evoked...and I don't know how I can live with that. But I have to because I caused you this pain. I did this. I deserve to have that same pain inflicted on me in return.

You love me, but I don't deserve it. I deserve your anger, your fury...but not your love. And I...I can't be with you knowing that my absence caused you such heartache that it drove to you attempt to take your own life. You can never forgive me for that, and I can never forgive myself for that. Ever.

Words can't express how sorry I am that things became like this between us...but I can't go on like this. I'm weak. I'm sorry...

-- Josh


*looks up the stairs and sniffles, biting my lip hard to keep the sobs in, quietly leaves his house and slips in my car, somehow manages to drive to my house, barely able to see for the tears spilling out of my eyes, hands trembling on the steering wheel, making a few short phone calls*


Chrissy...it's Jayce...take...take care of Justin for me on tour, okay? *sniffles* Don't...worry about me... *hiccups quietly* And you're wrong...I don't deserve to be happy...not after...after what I did to him...I'll...I'll call you later...bye...

*coughs to hide a sob* Ash...it's Josh...re-remember that flame you talked about? Well...it's...I think it's gone... *coughs again* There's nothing but ashes...I'm not as strong as...you thought I was...I'm sorry...


*parks quickly in my driveway and stumbles up to the house, barely shutting the door behind me, letting my keys and cell phone fall to the floor, one hand on the wall to steady myself as I drag myself down the hallway, stumbles through my open studio door, tripping myself on the carpet and falling to my hands and knees, a low sob slipping out, forces myself to my feet and leans against the door to shut it, turning the locks with a flip of my wrist, presses my forehead against the door as my body starts to tremble, hand tightening on the door handle*

This is all my fault....all...my...fault...

*coughs, raising my head and looking around the room, pushes myself away from the door and over to the stereo, blindly turning it on, puts one of the tracks on repeat and twists the volume knob, not caring if the noise hurts my ears, not even wincing at the music, knowing I deserve the pain, feels my body start to shake as sobs threaten to overtake me, my legs going out from under me, grunting as I let myself fall back against the wall and slide down to rest on the floor, vision blinded by tears, manages to draw my legs up and hugs them to my chest, my head falling forward to rest my forehead against my knees, my sobs drowned out by the music*


When this began, I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused, and I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me, but all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose, just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused, looking everywhere only to find
That's it not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what do I, what do I have but negativity
Cause I can't justify the way everyone is lookin' at me
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

	dj_lachey 2003-03-17 01:41 (link)
	*calls but only gets the voicemail, sighs heavily before leaving a message* Jayce, it's Drew here. I need to talk to you. Either you give me a call or I'll hunt you down when Nic and I come back from Mexico City. I'm serious. Either you talk or... Wait. There's no 'or' there. You have to talk. (Reply to this) (Thread)

_ashley_angel_ 2003-03-17 05:07 (link)

*hears my phone beep a few times, mad that I missed a call, runs over to my cell phone and checks it, sitting down slowly on the bed, clutching the phone in my hand, playing your voice mail over, making sure I heard everything right, not really knowing what to make of it, hangs up and looks down at the phone, wanting so badly to smash it against the wall, but instead sets it down carefully on the bedside table, closing my eyes and sighing softly, talking to myself* I knew this would happen... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	tina_maria_a 2003-03-18 00:34 (link)
	*gets your voicemail and calls you back, getting the machine, leaves a message* Jayce, it's Chrissy. I got your message. *sighs* I'll take care of him. Don't worry. *pauses* I love you hun. If you need anything just call me, ok? (Reply to this) (Thread)