| Current mood: |  content |
| Current music: | Evanesence- Hello |
No school, Again
Not going to school again, I went this morning and got all my homework from my classes. All of my teachers were like whats up blah blah blah I had to explain everything to them. It's okay because I get to be at home, with my puppy. I got a email from a friend this morning, I go to this girl with all my problems and for once I felt someone is actually trying to help me. She cares enough to try and get to the bottom of whats going on... It's not like with my friends where they just say "Oh your fine stop over-reacting" She takes me serious. I smiled reading over what she wrote because everything she told me... I've known for such a long time but until someone pointed it out it didn't seem right, didn't seem like it would help me. She suggested getting out of this town, getting away from these people whom seem to have the power over me to make my good or hell. This thanksgiving my mom and I are suppose to go to Florida we had talked about looking at houses and moving there, I fought it many times saying I needed my friends... but what I need is to help myself. So I'm going to tell her that I would be fine moving there. My self mutilation has taken over me, my ED has taken over... I'm nothing... what I was, what I used to be... is gone. I'm nothing anymore but a self distructive person. I've pushed the "real" me so far down I don't think I'll ever find "her". It's a harsh reality but it's the truth, and getting out of this town will be the best. If my mom doesn't want to move I'm going to ask to move with my Aunt and Uncle. They have a huge beautiful house with lots of rooms *and a pool :)*. It's so hard to understand how I could have wasted so much time on becoming what I am today, that I seemed to focus on the negitive things never thinking I was good enough for anyone or anything. I became what my friends wanted me to be, I became what socity wanted, I become what I thought my parents wanted. And still... not good enough, I often wondered why it wasn't good enough and I finally figured it out, it's because I was becoming what everyone wanted and not what I wanted. It's amazing how one person can change your whole out look on life. *Thank you Megan I love you girl* Well I should get to work on some of my homework.
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 | I don't have a user name here...I'm Anon! I feel so...Anonymous!!!
(Anonymous)
2003-11-15 02:07
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Oh my gosh. Once again, I don't know what to say...maybe we can get better together? I know you are more far along than I am...I am more mentally screwed up, but I know I would have gotten worse ("unhealthy" and "too skinny") if I moved out...I have the mental tools to virtually kill myself, and yes I know it, but god I'm so afraid of getting fat, and jeeze Tiff, reading what YOU wrote. I saw things that I didn't even THINK about...like how you were talking about caring about yourSELF instead of your FRIENDS. That's how I've become so mentally nit-picky...I care about what everyone thinks, and I don't think first about if it's good for my health or not...I visualize myself from the outside, and try and think of how others see me...and I wanted them to see me as *perfect*. But I see that THAT is NOT WHAT MATTERS! This is like a tag game of goodness and help here, and really, I'm serious...reading this...I don't know, maybe I won't "waste my time" trying to be something I'm not...I hope this doesn't take over me. Like you said...I'd be wasting my life or something...why would I want to make things bad for me? It's hard enough hearing you go through it. I don't need to succeed at death at the young age of 17. Maybe we should help keep each other alive. That's a better reason than competing towards a long road of suffering and death. I hope these thoughts stay with me...who knows? I do feel better knowing that you are trying to get better. I really, for once FEEL it. And to me, that's great. Ahhh you are the BEST!
-Limer(Reply to this) (Thread) |
|  Re: I don't have a user name here...I'm Anon! I feel so...Anonymous!!! 
 fragilelife
2003-11-15 11:55
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Limer, Limer, Limer... if I haven't told you a hundred times, I love you I'm telling you now. From now on we are going to help each other. We can get through this... We will get through this. And about what you said about dying at 17 =( that's so scary, I don't want to die at 16. Like I told you in my emal, when I was laying there, thinking I was going to die... I didn't want to I thought to myself, I don't deserve this, I deserve to live. And of course there's always that dumb voice in the back of your head telling you that you don't deserve to live, but yeah. I really honestly think we can help each other, you have already helped me out so much. Okay so now we know what we do wrong, like living for the wrong reasons, becoming something for the wrong reasons, now we just have to figure out how to knock that shit off =) And we will... all in good time Limer, all in good time =) I love you girly. -Tiffer (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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