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| Current music: | Jude - King of Yesterday |
The struggle
Love is an odd sort of thing. It can do pretty much anything. Good and bad. But lately, one thing it hasn't been able to do is supress the thoughts of boys long gone.
Namely Ruben.
Writing this could get me in a lot of trouble, considering Jon knows of this blurty, but I gotta talk.
Every other guy has been easy to forget. I've moved on and grown up. I had my time with them, and now I'm having my time with another.
But Ruben made things complicated. Since we were "together...but nottogether", I never really had my time with him. I was always in this purgatory of "are we dating...are we not dating". And it hurt me the most. I spent pretty much everyday for a month gloomy and confused, because the man I loved wasn't sure if he could love me back in public.
Instantly my friends changed opinions about him. They went from rooting for him to condemning him. Telling me that I need somebody who can love me the way I want to be loved. Their advice was not only fueled by Ruben's behavior, but also by an old friend.
The old friend was Jon, and he'd sort of been a Yoda for me since sophmore year. He would tell me the same thing my friends did, but I knew it was for something else. Then one day he said, "leave him and be with me", and I knew. This friend wanted more than a friendship, and Ruben was in his way.
As days passed, things with Ruben got worse. One day tell me how much he wanted to be with me, and the next he wouldn't even look at me. Jon continued with the daily task of wooing me and getting me to leave somebody who was obviously hurting me.
The reason Ruben couldn't commit was because of Jennifer. The then love of his life, who stole his virginity and his heart. After their very public and painful breakup, he didn't know if he was ready. He knew I was the one, but he didn't know when.
Eventually, on Halloween, I shared a kiss with my old friend Jon, and fell in love. Although I made a mistake by keeping it private for a while, people eventually found out, and Ruben realized his mistake.
I spent months trying to ward him off. He was always admitting he was wrong, and stupid, and that he would do anything to have me back.
I know he isn't a bad person. I know he never meant to hurt me. It was a bad situation, and I wasn't the only one hurt.
Me and Ruben tried to be friends again, but Jon said no more. Jon knew what he was trying to do, and needless to say, didn't approve.
The last of Ruben's attempts was one afternoon when I had forgotten my purse at a Jazz performance. He offered to take me back to get it. He asked about Jon and other things. I asked about Jennifer (they were on and off) and other things. Then he told me "I made a big mistake. If I could go back in time and change it all, I would. It's my own fault I lost you. But...if you ever need me, I'm always going to be here for you".
Then it was over.
We graduated.
He moved.
And I forgot.
Then he called. And I remembered.
He gets out of school tomorrow at 11...and asked if I was willing to take the 45min. drive to Kingsville to see him. I'm not really sure.
I will never hurt Jon. EVER. Although these thoughts can't hurt him, they can hurt me. And they do.
I told Ruben I never know what to do when it comes to him.
I never will.
~Chris~
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