| Current mood: |  sleepy |
| Current music: | 311 - Love Song |
You ever wonder if you're really as happy as you think you are? You pass by a mirror and wonder how real that smile is.
I wonder if I'm only happy because I am afraid of dissapointment, or if I only question my happiness because I'm not used to it.
I refuse to see Jon's name on the same list as the other fools I've dated. I try so hard to make him different from them, that I forget if he really is. It was different in the beginning. He would go out of his way just to make me smile. He would say every romantic thing that no other guy could think of. He just did everything in his power to get me away from Ruben. And it worked. But he was still amazing. He didn't stop just cuz he got me. So I figured he was different.
Things change, but only cuz you think so.
I remember he couldn't see me not smiling. Everytime there was even a hint of sadness or worry in my face he would just do everything short of flips in the air to cheer me up. And now, it seems he rolls his eyes like "what now". I can be sitting there almost in tears...and he just goes "ahhhh...whats wrong?". He gets annoyed.
"Acknowledge me, I only wanna be your friend. I can make you happy baby, over and over again."
He always seems annoyed with me. And I don't blame him. But still. I always say the wrong thing...but rather then talk about it he just does what he always does. Pushes me away from him and stares straight ahead. And my apologies are like nothing to him. I tell him I'm sorry and he says he ok but I know he's not. And I want so badly to just scream. Tell him to get over it and tell me what his problem is. But, I'm not my mother. I don't have to backbone I need to talk to him. So I just let him alone. Go to sleep and pray he'll get over it.
He does.
You ever look at your problems and wonder if they're really as bad as you think they are. Wonder if things really do hurt that much, or if your just making yourself bleed.
Jon is every bit as wonderful as I've said he is, if not more. These stupid problems that I think we are having are just that. Stupid. Ants only look big under a microscope. These problems only look big through my eyes.
You know I never saw Jon coming. Sophmore year...outside the portables...walking to class. I couldn't forsee this. Who knew.
I can't lose him. But every day I feel like I'm pusing him farther and farther away. Every stupid comment I make...every stupid comment he makes. It all builds. But thats what a relationship is. Good + bad. You can't hide from the bad things in life. They will find you. But they won't destroy you.
Plus, Jon tought me to be strong.
~Chris~
Songs Cited
Prince - Acknowledge me
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