So M. ...lets call her Sue because then, you'll never figure it out, and A. lets call him Hareton for the same reason... went out with me tonight. We went swimming then to the park and then McFlurries. We ended up talking in the parking lot and even though I told my mom that I didn't know when I'd be home and thatI had my key and phone and I don't have a curfew...she yelled at me when I came home at eleven thirty. she yelled about how big of a failure I was how I always screw things up and all the problems in her life are my fault... earlier today, I found one of the utility knives I used to cut myself with and just moments ago did a real number on my upper thigh...high enough so that they wont be seen when I wear my swim suit shorts. It calmed me down enough to be able to write this all down. It's killing me...like, I know that this is probably preferrable to a crazy scary stalker- but not by much. Now instead of being afraid of what someone else might do to me, I'm worried about what I'll do to me. I get that its noot her fault, I'm not blaming her. I have a disease..I have dysthymia depression, and I have an addiction, the self mutilation. These are my problems and my fault... I just wish she'd at least make a bit of an effort show that she at least understands the potential severity. I really thought she was getting better. I thought I was. Its just that I blame myself for all my problems, and I blame myself for most everything else...I just wish she wouldn't tell me again and again that I'm wrong and at fault when I'm not. I hope I can get everything straightened out so that I can live on my own again..maybe I'll jsut stay in town so that I can visit often enough that I don't start seeing my house through rose coloured glasses (a.k.a. without flaws). Well, gonna try to sleep cuz I have to be up bright and early to walk to work for seven because my mom said she's not driving me now.
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