|Current mood:|| aggravated|
|Current music:||...some crappy song i made up - "the set up"|
The truth hidden under coats and coats of lies...
I had a dream where my soul traveled to the astral plane again, and I woke up feeling very confident in the position I am standing in right now with the walls closing in on me. I came to school, in quite a chipper mood, when all of a sudden Diana approached me and told me my mom called her yesterday. My mom was going on and on, pulling on this drama act for sympathy from my friends, because she knows I tell them everything that goes on, and for the fear of telling the school about it and her getting in trouble, she made it REVERSE.
This has always happened to me - - since the seventh grade, whenever I went to the counselors, my parents would want to cleanse their bloody hands by switching the story . . . and it's very hard when around company they put on an act, and when company flees, they are their cold selves - - something rarely anyone believes, you'd have to be a victim of this to believe it - - thus Jenn, Mel, Danielle, and other children who have two-faced parents.
If you have been reading the past blurty entries . . . starting September 30, you would have known that there has been abuse, suicidal moments, and much screaming. It was a terrible mess. Please read them over . . . it's the truth. Now, my mom called the school AND MY FRIENDS and said I HIT HER, I IGNORE HER, AND I WALK OUT ON HER, and BLOW HER OFF ALL THE TIME. I later heard Gamze tell me about my mom calling, and she believed my mom's word . . . I'm not sure about Diana, but I got so upset. It has always happened to me. Never getting help because of my parents - - remember the time my dad convinced the cops I cut his hand, the time where he made me go to his session and me look like I was crazy and out of control, and all the times he told his lawyer/ my mom's lawyer that my mom brainwashes me (I hate my dad on my own and I'm starting to hate my mom), and NOW THIS? My mom IS like my dad now. She's as bad as him.
I've had so much go on, and now the truth is being buried by lies and twists. It's always been set up so they could save their asses, while no one COULD HELP ME because THE FINGER WAS ALWAYS TURNED TO ME!!!! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DECIEVE YOU!? I was so enraged that I started crying tears of anger, and YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR A DEAD SOUL TO CRY IN FRONT OF OTHERS! History always repeats itself!
I went to counseling all first period, PUTTING MY two cents in . . . You know how much I HATE counseling? They don't understand and they don't really help. They pretend they do. Mel came with me. Afterwards, I put my mask on and carried through the day - - fighting myself to hold a smile. If Melanie can do it, and if Danielle can do it, then, so can I. Third period the counselor I talked to came to me and said she called my mom, and my mom, the counselor and I are going to have a discussion tomorrow . . . grand . . . I'll be sure to speak EVERYTHING. No restraints. Yeah, so I was pissed off under my smile. It was the advice that helped me. The words from Friday, they still stick with me.
I decided to sit and write a song. It wasn't one of my best works, but it somewhat helped me calm the raging insides - - "The Set Up".
"The Set Up" by Monique Guz
"Writhing is fueled by such deciet (My overall feeling)
The innocent one is labeled guilty (Me)
The acclaimer crucifies the unfortunate example (My mom's doings)
After her hands are washed in blasphemy (My mom again)
The calumny provided captures minds (How society gives into my parents' lies)
Soaken in sympathy for a liar (What society is in)
No permission to swim up for air (I can't ever get help, because they all listen to their lies)
With each second, the surface grows higher (I struggle to get help, but the struggle gets more challenging)
As if enough damage was dealt (They did so much to me, but then they have it so I can't testify)
Fear of exposing the cold-blooded truth (That they hurt me)
It would destroy your reputation (Suddenly switches to 3rd person, a symbolic transition where I start testifying rather than hide the real problem with third-person narratives)
It would destroy your reputation (Which they both hold dear to them)
It would display your lie-spewing brooch (A brooch is an ornament you wear . . . so, basically I'm saying if I did say something, people would see them and they'd see the shame painted upon them)
So scared that I would do that (Their fear)
So you smothered me in more distress (Switching the story so I was looked down upon)
Cleaned up the scene of evidence (Had it well-planned out)
That once left traces of your brutality's mess (Transfered the shame on them, to shame on me)
Reverse the story so the finger points away from you (Basically the same as ^)
Hide in your shell of hypocracy (They always say not to do something to them, but they end up doing it to me)
Then have it so the search light passes your hideaway (So society doesn't see their ugliness)
And finds the need to rest on me (So society sees the wrongfully portrayed image of me drawn by my parents)
Screaming accusations (All they ever do)
In your rasping, sinister breath (Sinister breath - - All that ever comes out of them is egregious)
You lit the gasoline on fire (They were something very dangerous to begin with, but increased into something worse)
Well, here I am standing in your ring of death (Standing in the middle of a ring of fire, symbolic to the position my parents put me in . . . everyone on my back and surrounding me)
The epidemy of my curse is you (My pain comes from my parents, they are the source)
The lies tear me apart (Hell yes it does)
But I swear some day your lies will consume you (It has to be this way . . . right?)
The truth will bleed out of your venemous heart (It's going to show no matter how well you conceal it)
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