god you dumbass.
What swear word are you?
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i dont know what it is, but ive been really depressed lately. i guess its my subconsciousness or something. there are things i do not tell people. i am not allowed to be sad. i am not permitted to tell others what the hell is going on in my head. its funny, how people are incredibly selfish. im no machine. i have veins. not wires. i feel. actually, i can put my finger on it. i know what it is. i just cant say it because people are stupid. this is what they do to each other. i get so pissed when they ask me for help, but if i ask them for help they flip me off and tell me im fucking too sad all the time. i cant even suffer properly. i dont feel like going to a counselor and i dont feel like pissing off the remainders of friends. i turn to writing and piano and art and the like, but sometimes i need to talk to someone. but then i dont want to. look at me, im a living bottle. what we bring to life, we bring to death.
i learned alot about my childhood past from my mom. i know who sylvia is. i know why my sister was sick, and why she is the way she is. i know the karen and susan judge story. i know why he got fired. i know that my mom didn't want me as a baby, and i know that she did abuse me for that and all but . . . ergh. the family story is quite complicated and twisted. i never know who is truly guilty. i ended up telling my mom about teh emails i found between my dad and ulanki. lilibeth was mentioned and so was nubia. fuckin whores. i got their email addresses too. well. i hope i sleep off this depression.
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