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The Cries of a Tortured Soul (finishmeoff) wrote,
@ 2003-10-19 01:55:00
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    Current mood: tired
    Current music:loved ones - ptw

    ... its for you
    This is for ... yeah....

    "Boulder" by Monique G. (Not so much done for song quality or rhyme scheme, just to get my thoughts out)

    The last person I'd expect this from was you
    The last person I had by my side
    The last person I had a belief in
    The last person I'd expect to make me cry
    Where exactly do I start
    I can name so many things off the top of my head
    I cut the rope and let your boulder sink
    Everything and everyone I used to know is dead
    Until you can figure out who the hell you really are
    And for once just be yourself
    Or at least pick one face to wear
    Hope it's for you, not for everyone else
    Encouraged me to go along with it
    When I reached heaven, I wasn't allowed to breathe
    I wasn't permitted to taste the flavor of bliss
    I kept it inside never to wear it out on my sleeve
    When the false-infatuation was over
    Swore your undying hatred for "your friend"
    While I was still missing all that was gone
    You persuaded revenge would make the pain end
    So we were in it TOGETHER
    You wouldn't let me back out
    So we were in it TOGETHER
    Directed me to take anger's route
    So, can you explain to me why
    The very next day I couldn't comprehend what you said
    You had just previously bad-mouthed "the enemy"
    Those were your exact words, get this through to your head
    Thanks for standing by me
    After all the times I stood by you
    And if you really think I'm twofaced
    For playing devil's advocate, then you are too
    At least when I had something to say about "your friend"
    I wouldn't go up to "the enemy" with praise
    You used to deny it being that way
    But you admitted to it within a few days
    So tell me what the hell that was about
    And why you had to haunt me with meaningless things
    And ignore my requests to stop showing me that
    With each action executed, I watched the clippings of my wings
    Instead of flying, I plunged into darkwater
    All the bobbing dead bodies around me
    My ankles shackeled to the ocean floor
    The surface, the only thing I strived to see
    I fell away to myself
    when you fell away from me
    Did you mean to say you were losing someone else
    Is this a guilty or innocent plea?
    It wasn't so much the fact
    that the separator was who it was
    It was that after all I ever did for you . . .
    You think it doesn't hurt, but it does
    Couldn't you at least
    do the favor in return
    Instead of silently kill me
    And sign me up for a second burn
    You were losing me then
    But you were focused on a nobody
    Someone you gave degrading titles
    This was your new tendency
    Never wanted to accept this
    Lips stayed silent for awhile
    And then one day I snapped
    One of us is swimming in denial
    What do you mean when you say
    "I was just agreeing with you"
    How is that being a true friend
    I need no sympathy, that was nothing new
    If you're mad at me for saying
    It would be okay again
    Then be mad at yourself first
    We're running in another dead end
    So, in a way I was doing you good
    I gave you freedom of opportunities
    And if not, then I gave him a shot
    He now hates me, but I'm thankful for my immunities
    More tombstones were added to the cemetary
    The cemetary that exists in my head
    The past won't return anytime soon
    It lies lifeless in a puddle of red
    Blowing me off for "the asshole"
    I soon learned to not even care
    I just let the both of you go
    Solitude was wanting me there
    The night I was out to destroy myself
    Not even listening to a tortured soul
    Ignorant response, so a handful of pills
    Mixed with some alcohol
    Usually the routine was to snap me out of it
    A condition I warned all about
    Found myself disappointed, alive
    Death evaded, did nothing but kick and shout
    How did everything switch like this
    Past memories of when you'd ditch
    And talk badly about your "friends"
    And then in their presence, another side switch
    I ponder about what you said to the one
    who now thrives off of petty hate furiously
    Cause if you can talk about others that way
    I'm interested to know what was said about me
    Actually, no, I don't really care
    I'm not hurting as much in this state
    Embracing solitude, an old friend from the past
    Another repetition in fate
    And how can I forgive when
    You're not appearing to know what you're apologzing for
    How's it all gonna be better
    If you're only looking down at the floor
    Look into my eyes
    And see the pain in me
    See what you've done
    See those that you denoucned and how bad you turn to them in need
    I look at you now and you're not even yourself
    I'm not saying that I'm the same
    Because I'm no longer who I used to be
    That time you had perfect aim
    We were in it together
    Why did you back out
    And leave with everyone else
    Is that what friendship's about
    So many stands I took for you
    So many things I respected
    Never wanting to violate your requests
    Never was anything like this suspected
    I care how this affects those around
    Never wanting to have them being tossed from one to the other
    Like children witnessing their parents fight
    Remembering the favor I asked of my father and mother
    When they pretended everything was okay
    And they played with me as if there was never any fights
    I felt so happy, I needed them both
    Without the reason to point out who's wrong and right
    So, why couldn't I coexist when they needed us
    I wasn't healed, I still was dying
    Maybe it was dishonest to agree
    Maybe it was a bit like lying
    Never wanting our friends to fall apart cause of us
    The intentions I had were good
    Why should we let our friends be upset like that
    Something like that happening never should...
    Then there was the times
    I really had to talk to you
    But you'd frickin toss me aside for the "ENEMY"
    Witnesses even said it was true
    So to recap the reasons why I am this way
    I'll repeat the things mentioned before
    Read my lips carefully now:
    Don't be feeding off me anymore
    Pick a face and stick with it
    You aren't correctly portraying yourself
    And stop talking all this shit
    And if youre gonna talk about someone
    Don't suck up to them the next day
    And when someone's about to commit an act
    Don't fucking act as if it's quite okay
    Don't say that it wasn't serious
    Pay more attention to those that need you
    Instead of just taking from them
    And rather than ignore everything, see it through
    I still won't ever understand why
    There was such a switch in sides
    I had always backed you up
    But, you chose to back up lies
    I'm sad for the others
    The way you've treated and spoke
    These things make a person ill
    These things make a person choke
    They look up to you
    And this is what you do
    You curse their name without them there
    And then suck up to them when they see you
    You denounce his name so bad
    And you told me he was the enemy
    And now you gravel at his feet, don't you see?!
    And what about the times you left me
    Desperate calls going out to you
    But because you were focused on him
    Well, there was no way of getting through
    And what's with the display you have
    You're being untrue,
    You're acting as if youre someone else
    you're not being you
    For everything you've called me
    You're just the same
    If I'm a twoface for pretending it was ok
    Then you are for the "I was just agreeing" game
    If I'm a twoface for trying to make it easy on our friends
    Then, you are for all the words you spewed
    It's ashame they'll never know what you said
    Can't think of the first thing that disputed
    And if I'm not showing "interest"
    Maybe it's because you never identified the conflict
    To heal after everything you've done
    Everything was so explicit
    I'll never heal unless these problems end
    To carry on to the future, please learn:
    You have to kill the past ties
    Or forevermore you'll burn
    So, if you choose to "reconcile"
    Then, why don't you fix what's wrong
    I have my own flaws too, I know
    Sorry I can't always be strong
    And yes you are a human
    And you're allowed to make mistakes, but then . . .
    A mistake isn't a mistake when recognized
    And repeated again and again and again

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