|Current music:||Travis Tritt "Nobody knows it but me"|
"Every long lost dream....."
Just got back from my aunt's house. The time is correct. While we were there I found out alot of things and very few (if any) made me happy. First off, I know I told a couple people that I was planning on going to PTI for college and I was planning on getting an apartment up there with my cousin, Jen. I had suggested to her mom that maybe over break Jen and I should go up there and look for an apartment for next year when I'll be up there. Well, that's when I was informed that since Jen had a job at a Jeep store (that she loves to pieces) she was going to stay at home. And the only way that I was going to live in PA was in an apartment with her. Well since she ain't going that kinda knocks that idea out of the clear blue sky for me. Extremely disappointing. Than my aunt (trying to be helpful) suggests that I could live there with them. Now, God knows that I love my aunt dearly, but I simply don't have enough patience to live with her and visa versa (but she'll deny it openly till it happens) and that's not anybodys fault, that's just a fact. Besides, they are only abotu 30min closer than we are (it takes 50min to get there from their house). What's getting worse is that my dad is saying that it might be my only choice if I want to go there. I have yet to resort to that plan. I believe that there is another way and I'll find it. Even if I have to drive back and forth everyday. If I'm living that close to home, there is no reason why I can't just live at home. That would just drive the hell out of me (which wouldn't be bad if it wern't so painful). Than Jen has a b/f and I'm really happy for her, really I am, I just feeling like he's getting all her attention. We used to do so much stuff together and now we haven't done anything in like forever. I think the last time we did something was at least 6 months ago. I'm just upset because she's my favorite cousin. He's takin her on a cruise in April. I was really excited for her and he's very nice. I just feel like the time we spend together is slowly lessening. Damn, I hate growing up! The only reason that I would consider staying at her house would be because of her. I don't mind spending the night there every once in a while but when I have to come home everynight and.....just......live there.........I feel like I'm intruding. I mean, with all the work I could have and have to go online and tie up their phone lines and eat their food and use their utilities when I could drive a half hour to my home.........I just can't. And then every now and then I'll do something wrong and my uncle will come in and yell at me. I want to be able to walk into my own kitchen and get something to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to be at my house and spend 45min in the shower (no, I don't let the water run the whole time, like less than 1/2) and not get yelled at for being in there too long (or get yelled at by my own dad). I mean if they lived closer to the college, maybe, but with me living only 30min away? Either I live in an apartment with Jen or I live at home. I don't want and can't take anything else. Anyways
Ed is supposed to come over sometime this week, he has a Christmas present for me and I'm a little worried. He asked my mom for my head size...that's right, my head size. That really worries me alot for a number of reasons. One, I don't like people other than my mom asking for a certain size of clothing I wear. Second, I'm really not a big hat person (assuming, of course, that it is a hat). Third, because I don't have time nor money to get anything for him (I think I'll just make him buckeyes and fudge, or maybe just buckeyes because I'm lazy). And forth, because it's coming from Ed. He is truely one of my closest friends, but I honestly don't feel anymore than that. And I know that he desperately wants me to and I feel horrible. I'm just scared of getting something from him because of the hidden meaning that could be behind it (i.e.: work with me for a moment and assume it's a teddy bear, but he's giving it to me to signify that he wants me to keep this bear always and each time I see it, just know that he loves me). I feel bad because he is one of my friends but I just don't feel the same. And I've told him that but I don't know if he get's it. I don't know.
I've just been thinking about Arin alot lately too. About what happened before we went on break ("Hypnotise the Moon") and everything else. Like he won't pay that much attention to me in school but when I went out to his tree farm he was so happy to see me. Sometime I wonder if it's worth me holding out any hope that this will change when I graduate. I really want to but I'm scared to find out. I just want him to be happy but he's to damn lazy to do anything about his situation and that hurts me so bad. I hate seeing him as sad as he is and nto motivated to get out of it or at least try something different to improve it. I could see us together. I want to see us together come true. But I don't know if he sees the same thing or if he even wants to. Maybe everything I've thought I've just been wrong. That would hurt like no other. I just wish I knew what to do, what to say to make him feel better, to get him motivated and see that it doesn't have to be this way. God, why can't he see that? Every time I think about it I almost want to cry. I hate seeing anyone I care about in so much pain and know that I can't do anything to help it.
I didn't get to finish my culture review(a psychology project that involves talking about a situation in our lives that greatly impacted us, basically a story about why we are the way we are) so now I sit and wait with this dark cloud hanging over me till school resumes. Kinda sucks.
"....I could go on and on and on,
but that's another song..."
Talk to everyone later!
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