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Claire (fairyclairey) wrote,
@ 2004-04-21 13:27:00
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    Current mood: blank
    Current music:christina aguilera. HA

    I am so truly falling apart right now.
    I can see it happening. It's like I am watching someone else... I can see the things that I am not coping with, I can see my stupid defense mechanisms starting up and I am watching myself crumble.
    Could this have happened at a worse time?
    I am going to end up cracking up completely. I can't see psychiatrists again, I just can't do this now. I am just about to start Uni... they'll never have me if I am like this.
    If only I can just hang on pretending for a little while longer. At least til the course starts. Maybe I'll have more chance if I am already there.

    Who am I kidding? I am taking the prozac that Mike gave me. Like THAT'S gonna help. I figured even if it doesn't make me feel better it might make me lose some weight.
    I can't sleep at the moment either. I wake up 2 or 3 times a night and I just cannot get back to sleep once I have woken up. The other day I had about 4 hours sleep before going to work, and then college.
    I am just exhausted.

    The slightest little things upset me and bring me down, and all I can think about is cutting and od'ing and just messing myself up so completely that someone will HAVE to help me.

    I am drifting away from everyone because I am just not interested in anything anymore. I need someone to keep me afloat but I am too selfish. No-one wants to help me because I just push them away the whole time.

    Nothing makes sense in my head any more. I am on this big self destructive downwards spiral and there is no way to get off. I just have to ride it out til the end.
    And when I get off there will be nothing left.

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2004-05-03 08:55 (link)

love you lots, silly girl


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