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Cricket Dobbins (faeriegabrielle) wrote,
@ 2006-04-06 01:50:00
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    Current mood:helpless
    Current music:mad world: Gary Jules

    Ijust had one of the worst flashback nightmares about when I was raped...
    I remember that I and Darielle and dad and his friend had all gone to camp and both m father and ****** were extremely drunk. Darielle must have been about 8 or 9 and so I was 5 or 6. We were on our way home from camp in the good oldgrey truck that simply refuses to die and I had fallen asleep on Darielle and she had fallen asleep on ***** but since she lived in Ludlow we had to drop her off before we got to Houlton because her parents had said that they didn't want her to spend the night that night. When we got to*****'s house dad remembered he had forgotten something- I can't remmeber what at the camp, and mymom was working; I couldn't be home alone and I didn't want to sleep in the truck so dad let ***** babysit me... This wasn't an abnormal thing because his girlfriend was always there, but for somereason today she wasn;t there, she was out with the horses I think.... I'd usually just go into their bedroom and lay on the bed to watch Fantasia (i'm pretty sure) because I loved that movie I loved it so much. As I was laying there he camein and decdied that he was tired too and so he came in and layed down on the bed next to me. I snuggledup to him (ignoring the whisky smell) because I was always a very cuddly kid, and his hands started wandering lower and I told him to stop and he wouldn't and suddenly he was there under my clothes and he was touching me and it justwasn't right, and so I asked himto stop aagain and I just kept saying stop, and he he wouldn't....then finallyhe slapped me andhe grabbed a handful of my hair and shoved mymouth in front of him and I bit him and he slapped me again. this time he slapped me hard enough that I couldn't see straight. He started to strip me and I freaked out and I screamed and ran and I ran and my hair was really long and before I could even get to the door of the room he had a holdof it and was pulling me back onto the bed... then he punched me in the backof my head and threwme on the bed face up, then he started to rape me with the damn little mini brooms and their water on the tv and i hurt and I felt so wrong and violated and betrayed and I started hyperventalating and crying and screamign and he picked upa pillow and started hitting me on the head with it and thenfinally when he was through, he pulled out and I was still screaming so he put a pillow over my head and heldit there untilI passed out. When I woke up I was so sore and I was in ******'shouse still. There had been blood all over my thighs but had cleaned me so that when my father got there, there would be no evidence that anything had gone on. I was wearing myclothes again and ***** walked in and sat down on the bed. He pickedme up and sat me on his lap and was petting my hair gently and he tucked a lock of it behind my earand he told me,"if you ever tell anyone about this you know they'll never believe you because you're just a sillylittle girl who lies too much, right?" I nodded because it was true. Ilied to much for anyone to have believed what had just happened to me. then he said,"but juust in case you decide that you want to embarass your self and tell anyone this, don't. Becauseif youever tellanyoneI'lldo it again." AllI coujld think about was howmuch it had hurt and how I had bruises all over my body from it and from struggling and so of course I never wanted to tell anyone. The second dad got there I hopped in the shower and I took an hour long shower. I must have washed myhair about 5 times and my body and mom came in and asked me if I was okay a million times. Wehn I finallygot out of the shower I went over to her and dad[s bed and just layed down staring at the wall and trying to sleep. Momcamein and askedme if something was wrong. I started crying and she pulled me into her lap and was petting my head and telling me it was okay and that she would never let anything happen to me. I told her what had happened and I remember that she asked me how I wanted her to handle it. I told her to keep it a secret and she always did, But when I was about 15 or 16 we got a letter in the mailinviting us to a babyshower for ***** and his wife. They were having a little girl of their own! So one day when my father was going out there to get his car fixed I stipped in to talk to his wife and I informed her of what had happened to me with him when I was younger. She called me a fat little slut and a liar and shetold me I was just jealous because I had a crush on him andshe just kept trying to make me feel worthless for trying to save her daughter. I said whatever, it's her kid that's going to getit next.

    That whole fucking dream was so real.... it was almost like it was happening all over again. I tried waking up gwyd to cuddle with me but he wouldn't.... I just don't know how to dealwith this sort of shit. See that was one of the main reasons that I went into therapy was because I neeeded to work through that issue and I never did, because I refuse to talk to anyone about it. The only reason that I can talk to you about it is because you'rre online and I don't have to go through the pity and awkward pitying that goes on in the face to face world.... I don't even know who will see this..... well do me a favor, if you know me and from the very ;lackofinformation you somehow manage tofind out who I'm talking about then congrats but please keep it to yourself, don't tell himor anyone that you know,please.....

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2006-04-06 03:14 (link)
that sounds awful. Im sorry you had to go through that. It's not pity, don't get me wrong. I think talking with a physciatrist would help because that's why they are trained for and they don't pity you..they help you deal with issues that are bothering you. Anyways, it seems like you have a lot to deal with. If you ever want to rant, seeing as how you won't have to deal with me in real life and have any of that akwardness, that'd be cool. or whatever. I hope things work out for you.

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