Today is another bad day. I've that lump back in my throat so ready to cue the waterfalls any second. I'm really at this surreal point today. Where I dont feel I'm really in the predicament I'm in, but the outside looking in at me knows that I'm in deep. It's nothing as emotional this time as a financial and future thing. I hate the fac that I despise my daily life and take more enjoyment in my future that hasn't happened yet. That's a sad thing to me! I understanding working to achieve something, but i hate what I'm achieving. A very small unprideful part of me would love to change directions. Not only would I feel terrific and probaby not have half as many bad days as I've been having, but I think my entire outlook on my direction would be better.
I wrote this poem in ten mintues for a contest. I got info back saying I was a semi-finalist. They are definitely publishing it but I could buy the book as well. Despite finding out the buying part was a scam,I still get my poem published, and honestly I'm pretty damn impressed with myself. It's not the greatest news in the world but for me, and despite maybe being a sign, it felt good to even be recognized for writing. I am not recognized other than in a negative manner for being all ms. engr. My boyfriend is impressed with my period and that feels realllly damn great! I have this image in my head, if I told me parents, hey, screw engr, im doing engl or something, I can just see the smiles disinigrate! I am soooo good at my job but i need this damn theory to get to do it permanently. These are the days of your life you'll remember they say, and I can't seem to get through one. Part of me knows this is pride fun and sick that I'm so miserable and it goes completely against my deterministic belief if something isn't right, you have the moral obligation to make it better. I do. I can. But I'm not.
Now if that's not more depressing news that getting a bad grade, than I don't know what is. Maybe not doing something about doing something wrong for me.
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