|Current mood:|| awake|
Reinventing the inevitable
At 8 am when the world around me has been up for hours raoming the cities and streets to make something of themselves, I am just waking up. Not only in the physical sense but more importantly the elevated mental. The first thing you see when you open your eyes in the morning is the ceiling. If that's any indication of how we live out lives, I'm living outside! These past 5 years (and counting) in college have really tested my knowledge as expected, but it has also tested my personal strength and ability to become... me, for lack of a better word.
I can’t say I'm new at the whole on-line diary thing, but I can say that I'm new to the whole "being open" with the whole internet-world! As I'm sure everyone says, I do write to get things out for therapy sake; but I really write these things to realize things about myself that I normally do not see. I would like to think that I re-invent myself everyday while refining the inevitable me. I’ve come to the realization that a lot of times we lie to ourselves. We say that we’re confident when we’re really scared, or that we are “Fine” when we are really hurting. Not only do we convince others that we have control of our predetermined destination, but we cower behind fictitious bravery that only makes us have less control.
This all comes about from last night. I hate being one of those girls who always has no life outside her boyfriend. I do have a life outside of my boyfriend (reminder: Read above). Last night we fought ultimatemly because of a smile. You would think that smiling would create an effervescent atmosphere but instead it just caused unnecessary complication. I don’t know what’s scarier: Creating the image of you to yourself or someone being able to build you better than what you created. It scared me last night that my boyfriend, Chris, sat there and told me everything I do when I’m happy, sad, “perturbed,” hurt, anger, frustrated. You know it’s the big time when someone knows every move you make. I honestly, in a way, felt hurt that the unpredictable me was so predictable. Mixed with the present shock that someone knew me so well, was I really just a bunch of predictated actions to routine situations? So, point being, this is the raw, uncensored, Girls Gone Wild version (just not as un-pornish) version of the inevitable me. You you read it what you get whether I offend my best friend and love my enemy, clean slate number 1,535,723.....
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