One Last Entry...
I had my heart in my throat for all 9 hours of the trip to St. Augustine, and then, back home. And while, half the trip was accompanied, I've never felt more alone in my life. I never want to feel that way again. I've woken up everyday since that, cold sweats... afraid to express anything. Afraid now, of showing an inkling of emotion and having it automatically attributed to "roller-coaster" like behavior, or that irrational night. The gears turn even more incessantly, and yet, while analyzing each angle of everything that has happened... I couldn't bare to spit everything here, as much as I wanted to. There are some thing truly best left unsaid. We all are guilty of having swaying emotions... difference is that I wear mine on my sleeve, and for that, I incriminated myself. The vulnerability and weaknesses imposed by being in love were showcased disgustingly... and I'm not proud of it, but it's life... and I'm not perfect.
That being said, I'm done with this journal. I wrote everything I wanted to say... more beautifully than ever, in my mind... and that's where all of this needs to stay. This is probably the most sensible thing I've done recently... the most rational. And I leave you with these last words, from Jay's "December 4th," to which you can all go back and read from beginning to end...
"They say they never really miss you 'till you're dead or you're gone, so on that note, I'm leaving after this song. See, you don't have to feel no way about MO, so long... at least let me tell you why I'm this way... HOLD ON..."
Peace,
Epit0me
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(Anonymous)
2004-12-27 15:10
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im sad, because ive witnessed the whole "taken for granted" feeling that seems to be evident in each action you take. ive seen it through your writing, through our conversations, and sadly enough, through my own mishandling of such a phenomenal man. you know how i feel about her, how i feel about this, and more importantly how i feel about you. i just want you to understand that where i am, there is a haven for the bullshit youve been put through. i know i contributed to your soul's status quo, and that you're weary of that thing called trust, but, i offer you myself anyway. i know i said i'd never comment, but this seemed like an opportunity i shouldn't pass up, being your last entry and all.
yours,
sensyled(Reply to this) (Thread) |
| come back
(Anonymous)
2005-01-25 21:37
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yeah, i'm not so sure that u even still check this for comments or what not, but hopefully you will this once b/c u need to keep writing... i miss it... yeah, i know, i'm just a random stopper-byer, but in reality, i'm a pretty close friend... (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Re: come back
 epit0me
2005-01-27 22:30
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Firstly, I'm curious as to who you are... but, if you wanted me to know that, I'm sure you'd have said so. Anyhow, I regret to inform you that for now, I'm done with these pages. To even explain why is rather futile... last time I did that I was left explaining... to myself. The bottom line is that when you put so much of yourself out there, people take it for granted. I didn't feel it anymore... I'm numb to the point where I can't really say what's on my mind, or in my heart. without feeling judged or ignored... two extremes, equally hurtful. Those who truly want to know will know... those who don't... don't. Curiousity should never be the reason to want to know who I am and what I feel... and for a while, I mistook that for actual concern. Thank you for being a "random stopper-byer"... I'm flattered. I don't skim these pages anymore, but, I do get an email when a comment is left.
You never know, I've learned to bite my tongue and not burn bridges... but, for now, I will not... can not, come back.
EPIT0ME(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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